Torn
by binhereb4
Summary: A new case- A new Neighbour- Possibly a new love? lots of possible to explore in this story. Romance, feelings, the boundaries....
1. Chapter 1

**O.K. Here we are at the start of another story...Got no feedback as to where any of you might like this to go...So ...It will go it's own way - like mine normally do..**

**Hope you get on with it.....**

_Disclaimer as Norm_

**Interest comes in strange packaging.**

Gillian had just spent 5 minutes outlining the details of a new case that had come in.

Looking over at her partners face, deep in thought, she knew he hadn't heard a single word.

"_So what do you think Cal_?

"_Wot- Oh yeah – well stick Loker and Torres on to it, see what kind of mess they can make before we step in and clean it up_"

Gillian sighed. "_Cal, do you even know what you are 'sticking' Ria and Eli onto- did you hear a single word I said about the case_?"

"_Yeah, course! – well ..no actually. Sorry luv_"

He flashed her a semi apologetic smile.

"_Ok Cal, What's the problem here? Is it Emily? or Zoe again_?"

Cal did a full 360 in his chair before finally allowing his legs to end up on his desk.

"_No, nuffin like that really. I have a new neighbour_"

"_And, is there a problem already_?"

"_No, don't think so anyway. She seems nice enuf, a bit …dropped back to the 60's/70's_, _but harmless- anyway, all that sort of thing is very 'in' now, according to my daughter_, _who thinks she is just 'too awesome and cool'_ "

"_So why the deep attention then? Is there something about her that worries you in some way_?"

"_No, not really. Actually I didn't get to speak to her that much- couldn't get past Em_, _You know what that daughter of mines like – Poor woman got the usual 'Spanish_ inquisition' _ending with the standard question of 'and are you single_?'"

Gill smiled, remembering some of her experiences with Emily's Q&A sessions.

"_Well why don't you do the neighbourly thing and invite her round for light supper one evening, or a Sunday brunch_?"

"_Sunday bloody brunch! Wot the hell is that_? –_ I think you're right tho, maybe a lunch or dinner. Like you to be there as well Foster, if you can make it. see wot you think_?"

"_You know I will Cal, just let me know when. Now – this case- do you want me to start again_?"

**xXx  
**

It was a simple but pleasant spread that Emily had put together for the Sunday 'brunch' that Gill had finally persuaded Cal into.

They were in the garden as the weather kind of called for it.

Gill could see where Cal had got his initial description from as she watched his neighbour involving herself in a game of badminton that Emily had talked her into.

She had a long flowing crushed cotton skirt on with a tight 'tie dye' top.

Her hair was past shoulder length and wild, some bits had tiny plaits, other bits had brightly coloured beads were weaved in.

A multitude of beads and bangles danced round her neck and wrists as she jumped about in chase of the shuttlecock.

"_Very 'free love' and 'peace' – but pleasant enough I would have said_"

Cal just nodded and continued to watch the antics of his daughter and the neighbour.

Gill tried again "_You didn't mention she was English_"

"_Didn't I?. Don't suppose it mattered enuf to mention it at the time. The accent doesn't 'jump out' at me as much as it does to you I guess_"

"_Did you get a chance to read over the case yet Cal_?"

"_Yeah, I guess we need to look into it- although interviewing hoards of sulky_, _hormone riddled teenagers doesn't exactly fill me with enthusiasm. I think I will leave the initial_ '_mass' interviews with Torres and Loker, you and I can start with the teachers and move on to whoever those two pull out as worthy of extra interest_"

"_Ok, that sounds like a good opening move, shall we make a start tomorrow_?"

"_Might as well_"

Cal was exhausted.

He had come to the conclusion that the supposedly 'adult' teachers in todays schools could be just as infantile as some of the pupils when it came to answering questions on subject that they didn't want to get involved in.

He had though decided that although none of them appeared to be involved in providing the new drugs that were swamping the local high schools, they certainly were aware of it happening, despite their repeated claims of no knowledge.

What galled him most was the complete lack of concern they all seemed to exhibit.

Looking around he saw that Emilys school bag and coat were on the stairs so he knew she had at least found her way home, but the lack of greeting advised him she was not in the house- he could guess where she was.

Pulling out his cell he dialled.

"_Hi Serena, Just checking my daughter hasn't sent you completely round the bend yet_. _You can always throw her back over the garden fence if you want_"

She had a low, warm chuckle. "_She's just fine Cal. I've been teaching her some of the finer points of Cockney slang_, _she now understands parts of conversations she had_ _with you from years back_ …"

"_Yeah well don't tell her too much, I like to think there are still some things I can baffle her with_"

"I_ Promise. You sound very tired, and a bit stressed._ _Why don't you have a long shower, get changed into something old and comfy and pop over – dinners on me_"

"_Sounds like a plan. See yer in 30 minutes_"

He hadn't actually been inside his new neighbours house yet, it was pretty much what he had expected though.

Multi coloured material hung over some of the numerous lamps.

Candles and incense sticks abounded, weird new age art adorned the walls, and, 'Bean bags'

Christ he hadn't seen those since his student years!

Not able to resist he threw himself into one.

"_Forgotten how comfortable these were, it's just the getting up out of them that's the bitch_!"

That low soft chuckle again.

"I'_m sure Emily and I can help with that when the time comes_"

A large bowl of spaghetti bolognaise was thrust in front of him on a tray.

"_You're not a veggie then_?" he questioned, at the same time 'tucking in'

"_I am yes – but I don't suppose you are- I'm not a fanatic 'imposer' if other people want to eat meat, I don't have a problem with it_"

"_Live and let live_?"

"_Pretty much_"

By the time he had finished Emily had appeared from upstairs.

"_You wanna see the vinyl collection Serena has dad, it's awesome and…you are really stressed aren't you_?"

"_Thanks for pointing that out Em, although that amazing 'spag bol' and this bean bag has helped quite a lot already_"

"_You wanna let Serena give you a massage, she has qualifications and all sorts in it_"

"_Yeah but I think we have imposed enuf for one day luv, lets give the lady some peace and pop off back home shall we_"

Cal tried valiantly to lift himself from the body encompassing mould of the large cushion, but his back had certainly been playing him up for a lot of the day, and now it just gave up completely.

Serena came over and started pulling at his sweatshirt.

"_I think your daughter may be right Dr. Lightman . I can probably help_…_Emily, would you hand me that rack of oils over there please_"

Although his sweatshirt was now on the floor beside him, Cal tried to protest.

"_No – Really..I'll be fine once I actually get up_"

"_Just turn over Cal, and try to relax_"

As he felt the warmed oil start to spread over his shoulders and the surprisingly strong fingers attacked the first of the knots in his muscles, Cal decided that polite protocol could go to hell!, he started to relax for the first time that day.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer as Norm_

**Another Appointment**

********************

Cal woke in what he assumed where the early hours of the morning.

Scrubbing his eyes he tried to work out the strange surroundings he was in.

Lifting his head and looking down his body he realised that a second beanbag had been placed underneath him and a large blanket was covering him. As his eyes scanned the room he spotted Serena asleep on the worn, but large and comfortable looking couch.

Laying his head back down he pulled the memory of the previous evening to the front of his mind.

Her hands had spent over an hour working through the knots and strained muscles in his back, shoulders and arms.

He could still smell the musky aroma of the oils she had used on his skin.

The sensations and peace of the house and Serena's ministrations had eventually allowed him to relax enough that he had fallen asleep.

Cal sat up and looked for his sweatshirt.

"_Hello sleepy head, how is your back feeling_?"

"_Mornin, and..good thanks- actually more than good, better than it has for a bloody long time! You really know your stuff don't you_?"

"_I know a lot – but there is always more to learn. Emily is upstairs in my bed- I haven't had time to set up a spare room yet_. _Would you like some warm honey tea_?"

"_Mmmm – sounds…delightful, but I'd prefer coffee if you have it_"

As she emerged from under the blanket and walked to her kitchen he noted that she had changed into a soft cotton night shirt of sorts.

It came to just below the top of her thighs, apart from that, as far as he could tell there was little else – he couldn't help but admire her long slender legs, her breasts sat high even though they were unsupported. "_Shit gotta stop this line of thought RIGHT now"_ he muttered under his breath to himself.

"_Well I'm sorry we put you to so much trouble, you should have just woken me_"

Cal got up and started folding the blanket, hunting for his shoes that had also been removed at some point.

"_I'll go and wake Em up_"

"_I wouldn't! she might not be too appreciative of a 5.30am wake up_"

"_Christ I didn't realise it was that early_"

Serena came back through with 2 mugs. Placing them on the central table she curled herself back up on the couch.

"_Sit down Cal, don't bother with all that now, have your coffee_"

He went and sat next to her, not wanting to chance the beanbag again.

"_Yer know, as much as I hate to sound like Emily, I really don't know that much about you – care to enlighten me_"

"_Ohh, lets see – I'm 35, single, moved out here because their school system is more open than England's, I have got a part time post teaching 'alternative living' I have_ _already_ _established a reasonably large customer base for my massage and other healing activities_. _I enjoy most pastimes including dance, reading/writing singing, performance art _and.. _sex_"

Cal laughed, he couldn't help it, she was so delightfully open which was refreshing for him.

"_Well I don't know bout the rest of the stuff, but the massage works_"

"_And You – Dr. are going to need more than that one session to sort out your problems properly, probably the day after tomorrow sometime_?"

He was just about to start on his standard 'don't wanna be a problem' and 'that would be nice but' when he decided 'Why not'

"_Same sort of time would be good for me – I like to pay the normal rate tho, whatever it is_"

"_I only ever ask for some sort of donation – in your case – your company will do_"

**xXx**

'

"_Lightman's in an usually good mood today_"

Loker was swinging from side to side in his chair

""_Yeah It's kinda creepy isn't it_?"

Torres was having yet another try at the 'Rubik's Cube' he had brought in recently.

"_You don't think he and Foster finally_…"

"_Nah, she's still stressed and covering it_"

"_Are we due at any more schools today_?"

"_Nope, just gotta score all the files and give Lightman a shortlist of possibles_"

"_Got any ideas on this yet Ria_?"

"_Not really, some of the kids know who their suppliers are, but they have no idea where the source is_"

"_It's weird stuff isn't it? kinda like the standard date rape stuff that's already out there, but 'different'_"

"_Yeah – it's like they sorta remember what's happened – but it doesn't seem to stress them out any_. _The labs still haven't worked out the new mix – which means they can't_ _predict any side effects that may occur_"

"_Well none of the people that have come forward yet have reported anything, not even a headache_. _They still think that a whole load of people haven't even come forward_ _because of this 'not fussed' attitude it leaves them with_"

Torres put the cube down, defeated again by Lookers stupid toy.

"_We better get on with these files so we can produce that list for Lightman – His good mood can't last forever_"

Loker picked up the coloured cube and with a few short twists and turns completed the puzzle.

"_Yep_"

**xXx  
**

Cal was still gushing and Gillian was starting to get annoyed with it, (or was that a touch of jealousy – NO it was definitely annoyance)

"_Cal! The case – do you think we could get back to the case_?"

"_Yeah, sorry luv, it's just that I never thought a massage could do that much good – maybe you ought to give it a go_"

"_Oh I think I can struggle on without, besides when I get a massage_ _I prefer to be in a nice clean Spa, with a lovely young man to administer it_"

"_Your loss. Right. Do we have a list from Torres and Loker yet_?"

"_They're working on it now – have we decided to eliminate all the teachers_?"

"_Think so, they know what's happening, but I don't think they are selling – or using actually. – No it's the kids we have to push now_"

The door burst open and Emily came bounding through.

"_Hi dad, Gill – Got a half day study break, so I thought I'd come and use the library_. _Hey Gill, did dad tell you about the amazing massage Serena gave him last night – I've_ never _seen him look so happy, even when he fell asleep_…"

Emily caught the half warning glare appear on her fathers face.

Cal knew instantly what she was up to – try and play Gillian off against Serena – Would she never give up?


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello all- well another chapter wends it's way to you. I hope you are enjoying this story cos I'm not gettig a lot of feedback at the moment so it'd a bit hard to tell ( a non too subtle hint for reveiws??? well yes - if possible.. it really makes a differance you know)**

**Anyway..........**

_Disclaimer as norm_

**The Hand Was Right..**

Cal was on the bean bags again.

His back was feeling like new after the 3rd massage, now he was just sitting enjoying the evening.

Lately he kept finding himself in her house, he found he could completely relax in here, and Serena made him laugh.

He also found the whole thing a bit strange because really, they were poles apart in the things they liked and believed in like now.

Serena had a firm grip on his left hand and was diligently reading his palm.

"_This is total bollocks_"

"_Oh dear - Cal look..you see this bit here? You are coming up to a major crossroads in your life, a massive decision_"

"_Yeah and this is where the tall dark stranger comes in and_..."

"_NO! Stop taking the piss Im serious. THIS is serious Cal_....."

."_Right ok- yer got me. I've been thinking about moving back to England and becoming a full time driving instructor..I really think I've got the patience and tact thats needed_ _for_...."

"_You wait Cal, I'm right and this crossroads is close, not that long away_..."

"_Better make sure me passports up to date then...."_

"_Wait! theres something else-..."_

"_Oh cum on Hazel!..."_

"_I mean it! Someone you know..someone close to you is going to...."_

She went suddenly quiet and dropped his hand.

"_Hazel?"_

"_Do you want some more wine Cal_?"

"_Yeah, ta, but I also want to know wot you were going to say just then? And why you stopped so quickly_?"

"_Because I got bored with trying to talk over you. Look, you obviously dont' believe a word I'm saying, so why bother asking_?"

Cal did a quick scan, he could definitly see sadness, and fear.

"_Cum on Serena, I might not believe it, but you do, and whatever you thought you saw there its scared you. Tell me_?"

"_I..I saw someone you are close to- someone you care about..getting hurt_...."

He walked up behind her. Putting is arms round her shoulders and pulled her back against him, rocking her slightly.

"_Who Serena, and how_?"

"_I don't know Cal - Its not that clear or specific. Look just forget about it ok, Ill get that wine_."

Whatever it was, it had shaken her up real good he thought. He stared at his palm.

"_I think it was just a bit of dirt you saw luv look, right here, a bloody great smudge of joss stick ash see_?"

Serena laughed and handed him his wine. It was not her normal deep throaty laugh though.

**xXx**

"_I don't understand you at times Cal Lightman I really don't! You don't believe in that sort of rubbish any more than I do_"

"_I know, and I don't..I really dont luv, but ..I dunno ..its just left me feeling a bit weird that's all_"

"_Ever since you have started seeing that woman so much you have become distracted and unfocused I just don't see why you let her get to you like this_"

"_Gillian Foster, I'm sure I just detected a hint of jealousy in your voice and it's no good turning your face away like that_"

"_Jealous! You Wish.."_

"_Yep, Jealous..It's quite clear Dr. Foster..Jealous_!"

"_Oh you really are impossible at times!"  
_

"_Lets have dinner tonight Gill, we haven't had one of our dinners for ages now_"

"_Well I cant promise you a palm reading or joss sticks at the table, but if you think you can live without that for one night_?"

"_I'll manage how bout a massage?"_

Dont push it Lightman

**xXx**

The meal had been good.

Their usual banter seemed to return easily to them, they shared just enough wine that a taxi had be booked.

Cal asked Gill in for late nightcap and she agreed. They were both now sitting in comfortable silence enjoying the single malt.

_"Why don't you like Serena Gill_?"

"_Who said I didn't? I just don't understand what the fascination is for you she's so unlike your style_"

"_No. Sorry luv, but it's more than that, everytime I even mention her name it's there in your face, contempt, distain and it's not like you_"

"_Well maybe I keep hearing her name just a little too much Cal. Everyday it's Serena this or Serena that..it's like youre enjoying rubbing my face in it_!"

Cal was genuinely puzzled now, Gillians voice held almost intense dislike, and most of the warmth of the evening had left it.

"_Rubbing your face in WHAT? You've really lost me now Foster_"

"_You think I cant work it out Cal! You two really have nothing in common except_.."

"_Well go on..dont stop there, except wot_?"

"_Sex!.. its obvious. You have started a sexual relationship with her, and that is what you seem to be taking a considerable delight in keep wanting to let me know_"

Gillian stood up and took her glass to the kitchen. After rinsing it out she returned and started to get her things together.

Cal stood and grabbed her arm as she made for the door.

"_Whoa - hang on a minute wot makes you think you can make a statement like that, an incorrect statement I might add, and then just walk out? It's not happening Foster! Firstly you are completely bloody wrong, I am NOT having any kind of sexual relationship with my neighbour, and secondly, you can explain why, after making that mistake it should upset you so much anyway_?"

"_I am not going to have this conversation with you Cal_"

"_Yes you bloody well are, now sit down and start talking, cos you're not going anywhere till you do_"

Gillian threw her coat on the couch and sat down, Cal could see she was struggling with herself and wanted to calm her, place his hand on her shoulder or take her hand like he normally did, but instinct got the better of him.

He knew that what she needed to say would probably only come out when she was angry, so he left her to it.

"_You say you care about me Cal, that you want to start a relationship god knows we have had this conversation enough times, but then you go off with Poppy, and..and now Serena - You said you cared enough to give me the time that I needed, but apparently that isn't the case_"

"_Gill, Poppy was a one off- it was Vegas and yes it does change me, but we've talked about that, and it was my understanding that you understood as well, yet every chance you get you throw it back up in my face. Now, not content with that, you start making up relationships that arent' there. As for our conversations bout us well you said it! how many times have we had those? They never go anywhere do they? Just round in the same old circles. How much time can you possibly need Gill? How much more of our lives do you want us to waste_?"

Gill could feel the tears building again as they always did when they strayed into this territory, she took several deep breaths before trying to answer him.

"_I don't know Cal, I just don't_"

"_Well maybe it's time to make a decision. We can look again at what's holding us back, but, if we can't get round it this time..maybe we should just decide that we never will and try and get on with our lifes_"

Gillain shrugged and hunched her shoulders not sure if she was going to win the battle with her tears.

"_I'm scared Cal. Scared that if we try and change things- we could lose more than we gain"_

_"And what about the fact that we could gain a hell of a lot more, and not lose anything?"_

_"It's a risk Cal I dont know if its a risk that I can deal with_"

Cal reached over and took her hands in his they were cold and trembling, this again would normally be a point where he would back down because he hated to see her this upset, this scared- but he had made his decision, and he had to stick to it now.

"_Gillian luv..everything in life is a risk, every choice we make, every action, every thought they all have consequences. At some point, you have to be ready to take the risk or move on past it. I am more than ready to take the risk, have been for a long while now- but you need to decide now too, we cant keep hovering around the edge of it forever_"

He had said everything he could now, it was down to her, but he knew that he couldnt let her walk out of his house tonight without knowing one way or the other whether she was strong enough to take that first step over the line.....

**A/N: Well, not content with not carrying over the stuff I put in italics when I type this out in 'word' ( I always have to go throught the whole thing again in edit mode and re- italic all the speech!) This time it decided it wasn't going to carry any of the speech marks either ""...So I had to re add all of those...AND...it didn't like the apostraphies so I had to change all that as well! If, Therefore I have missed some - sorry.......**


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer as norm_

**To Be Or Not To Be**

Cal had been sitting watching Gillian for about 20 minutes.

She had said nothing at all since his ultimatum, but he could see the struggle going on, not just in her face but the whole of her body.

Leaning towards her he took one of her hands from her lap, still she would not look at him.

Slowly and gently he pulled her towards him, as soon as he was close enough, using just the fingertips of his other hand he raised her chin.

At first he just brushed his lips lightly over hers, he felt the slightest of breath intake, he repeated his action only this time he let the very tip of his tongue ride with his lips.

"_Gill_?"

"_Don't ask me Cal – I don't want you to stop – but please don't ask me_"

Pulling her right up to him he kissed her with full passion, her mouth opened instantly and he felt her hands grip on to the collar of his shirt.

Breaking the kiss he realised she was still gripping his shirt and her mouth went straight to his neck, he could feel the wet warmth of her tongue connecting with the sensitive part just under his ear.

Somehow though, her fervour felt false, and he found himself pulling away from her.

Looking at her face he could tell he was right to do so. Gill's insistent passion was being fuelled by fear.

"_Hey, calm down luv, Gill, there's no reason we need to rush this. You need to relax a bit_."

He became even more confused as she pulled away and he noticed her eyes were filling with tears.

"_Gillian, what's wrong, I don't understand, why the fear_?" she just shook her head and the first of the tears fell in her lap.

His arms wrapped round her as he pulled her back to him, she buried her head in his neck, he felt the mixture of tears and warm breath as she spoke.

"_It's stupid Cal, so stupid I know…..but..I'm scared_"

That was a complete shock to him, and he knew it must have apparent as his arms automatically tightened around her.

"_Scared!..Of what sweetheart of me, surely not of me_?"

"_You forget, I know your past…I know how many women you have had, and the type. They were always the …adventurous..experienced kind. I am scared that I might..disappoint you somehow_"

It was an evening for shocks he thought as he tried to take in what he had just heard.

"_Gill look at me_" he tried to pull he face up from his shoulder but she resisted. " _Cum on Gill you've got to look at me please_"

Slowly she lifted her head and he realized she had told him the truth.

"_Tell me – please tell me that this isn't a reason that you have ,,,put this off – put US off for so long_?"

The drop of her head was the only answer he needed.

"_Christ Gill! I had no idea, really none – Bloody hell Gill_!"

He pulled her back to him again, this time using every comforting trick in the book, one hand rubbing her back the other stroking her hair and tiny kisses on the side of her face.

He didn't know what else to do seeing as he was completely dumbstruck.

Finally, when he felt her body start to relax a little and having to take a few deep breaths himself, he loosened his grip on her.

"_Well, I must admit that this has come as a bit of a shock, if you'd only found some way of telling me, letting me know somehow_…"

"_It's not the kind of thing a woman likes to admit to Cal_"

He was still in a state of semi shock. This woman – this confident, professional, always in control woman had let a fear of being sexually too inexperienced control how she had dealt with their mutual attraction for – apparently years. And he had MISSED it !

"_Well, let's just take this slowly then shall we? At your pace – I promise – no hanging from ropes or chandeliers for the first month_"

Finally he heard a slight giggle from her, he took the opportunity to lift her face again and begin a gentle kiss.

He allowed her to be the first to open her mouth slightly and begin a tentative exploration of his mouth. She was the first to start letting her hands run over his body softly pressing the material of his shirt, tracing his shape.

Moving his hands from her neck and back, he also began to explore her shape. When he came to her breasts his touch was delicate and she responded by pushing further into him and groaning slightly.

"_Will you let me take you upstairs luv_?"

Gillian nodded, and Cal was happy to see that most of the fear had left her face.

He decided to carry her up to his room, not wanting to take a chance that she might change her mind and run for the door.

They spent time undressing each other, and a lot longer just exploring each others body's without the covering of clothes.

"_Gill, before we get too carried away, just let me say this. A lot of making love is simply about communication, so for us it should be easier than most, but if there's anything you want me to do – or not do- you need to let me know if I don't pick it up from you. Promise me you'll do that_"

"_I will Cal – I promise_"

His mouth moved to her breasts, he could now hear her heartbeat speed up.

As predicated, very little verbal communication was needed that night, they picked up on each others body language as if that were all they had ever used.

When Gillian eventually fell asleep in his arms she was completely relaxed and at ease. Cal wanted to stay awake all night just watching her, listening to her breathing, taking in her scent.

It could only have been a matter of 30minutes before he too was enfolded by slumber.


	5. Chapter 5

**OK - here we go- it's Angst time again.........many thanks to all those that have reveiwed - 'Blessed Be'**

_Disclaimer as norm._

**They Just Made it Personal**

The next morning they travelled into work together.

Having discussed it they had decided not to keep their newly fledged relationship a secret, but neither would they go out of their way to openly publicise it.

An anxious looking Loker was standing at the lifts waiting for them.

"_Boss – we've just had a call from the police chief and DEA. There's been another rash of this drug going round, but this time it's at a completely new school….._

_Ria has already gone down there to start interviewing the kids involved and they wondered if Dr. Lightman would attend as well as its kids – well teens – they thought her being a psychologist might help. They are sending all the teachers and admin staff here for us to start with._

_"Shit! This is getting a bit nasty now isn't it. Yeah, OK Loker, get the cube set up and I'll meet you in a minute_"

Eli handed over the address and contact information of the latest school and left.

"_You better take my car Gill, start emailing back files as soon as you can, and check in if you get any leads yeah_?"

Gillian returned straight into the lift and nodded in agreement with him.

**xXx**

Torres was already on her 10th interview by the time she saw Gillians face through the window of the room she was using.

Grateful for a quick break she sent the child out and ushered Gill in.

"_God this is a nightmare – a lotta these kids are getting real scared now and it's making them harder than ever to anything out of."_

Gillian took her coat off and got all her notes and writing equipment out.

"_Anyone of interest yet Ria?"_

_"Na arh, absolutely zero..except_…"

"_Except what? Come on Torres we don't have time to play around here_"

"_Well, it's just that we do have one adult to interview, I thought I'd wait till you got here_"

Gill was puzzled, "_Why is that? I thought all the adults were going to Lightman and Loker?"_

"_Oh they are – but – well..it's Serena. She does some sort of part time lecturing here and she actually approached me to say she thought it might be sum kinda conflict if interests if Lightman spoke to her – so_…"

"_Well she's probably right. Lets have a quick coffee and we'll speak to her next_"

Gill wondered briefly if she should ring Cal and let him know but decided it could wait till later.

After their quick coffee and a few more discussions, Torres asked one of the waiting teens to go and get Serena from the staff room.

When she arrived, Gill ushered her in and made quick introductions as she and Ria had only met very briefly once before.

"_So, Serena – Can you tell me what you know about what's happened in the school_?"

"_Well, I know there's this new kind of drug that's been going around some of the other schools recently – we all had a briefing on it and some I heard from Cal. Everyone thought it had cooled off a bit because we haven't had any reports of anything lately, but then today all hell seemed to break loose here. There were kids coming in crying, some with their parents – mostly saying the same sort of thing, that they must have been 'slipped' a drug – well none of them is confessing to buying it- and that although they didn't black out or anything, they felt a bit 'weird' like nothing they did, or was done to them mattered much, in fact it was all a bit of a laugh, they all did things that were out of character and only realised what they had done as really wrong when they woke up this morning_."

"_OK, well that kid of matches with the other schools, did they say what sort of things had happened_?"

"_Well some went on shoplifting sprees, some went joyriding – but there are some boys and girls who are claiming sexual assault and others that have been beaten quite badly_"

Torres threw Gillian a surprised look, "_Violence hasn't really been a part of it before has it_?"

Gill nibbled on the end of her pen. "_No. which makes me wonder if it's a stable recipe or if each batch they make differs in strengths and ingredients, that would account_ _for the_ _quiet period, they were making up another batch, and the differences in behaviour if they are changing it slightly each time_"

They went on to ask Serena a few more questions, but it had been obvious to the both of them within the first 5 minutes that she was not involved in this.

A loud bell sounded indicating the start of a break period.

Gill stood up, "_I think it might be a good idea to go and talk to some of these kids outside, see if we can pick up on anything there_"

Torres nodded and then added "_You know a lot of the kids I have spoken to already seem to think that Serena is a really 'cool' teacher, it might be an idea for one of us_ _to hang around with her a bit_"

"_Yes, that sounds good. I'll go and find her and we'll meet back here in about 30 minutes_"

They both made their way outside.

**xXx  
**

It was about 2 hours later when Lightman's cell went, he was in the lab discussing the mornings work, "_It's Torres, hang on a sec Loker_"

Flipping the lid, "_Yes Torres, have you got something for me, I bloody well hope so cos we are coming up completely blank this end_"

From the very first second of hesitation before she spoke Cal knew something was wrong.

"_Err Dr. Lightman – we've had a problem here and errrm_…"

"_Get on with it Torres_!"

"_Dr Lightman and Serena have been attacked, they have both just been taken to central, I'm heading off now_.." The connection was severed.

"_Loker with me, NOW_"

Loker had no idea where they were going or why, but the speed that Lightman was taking on the busy roads kept him from asking.

When they finally turned into the entrance of the hospital and came to a screeching halt outside the emergency doors, Eli felt a fear creeping over him that somewhat dwafted the perils of the perilous journey that got them there.

"_Who_?" was lokers only word

"_Foster and Serena_"

"_Whoa..what!, that's your hippy neighbour isn't it? I mean how? Are they badly_…"

"_SHUT UP Loker I don't know yet…OYE – REYNOLDS_!"

Ben was hovering, waiting for Cal to turn up.

As much as he wanted to be in the trauma room with the two injured women, he knew that if someone weren't around at the entrance to give Lightman the latest update and take him straight to where they were, there would most likely be more victims of violence.

"_They are both in trauma being worked on – one has to go to emergency theatre as soon as they can stabilise the bleeding, the other is waiting on head scans_.."

"_WHAT the bloody hell is this 'one has' bit Reynolds? Who exactly is having what done? – What the hell happened? Has anyone got the bastards who did this? CHRIST! You're supposed to be a highly bloody trained FBI agent – what the fuck have you been doing_?"

"_CALM DOWN LIGHTMAN!. I have been trying to get all that information for myself man, but I have only just got here myself. Torres rang me, but she couldn't give any real details herself. LOKER, Keep HIM this side of the trauma doors, I'm goin in to find out who has which injuries. LIGHTMAN – you stay right here you hear me_?"

"_Oh yeah, give me the easy job_!" Loker muttered to himself as he watched the frantic man pace the corridor outside where two very special women were apparently fighting for their lives!


	6. Chapter 6

**Many thanks for the reveiws - another angsty type of chapter - sorry - It will get better - I think......**

**Also, please accept my apologies for the lightman/foster name switch mistakes in the last chapter, and all the other mistakes....would you believe I read these chapters at least 4/5 times before I hit the key to publish?....must be my age.....**

_Disclaimer as Norm…_

**WHY?**

"_And that's about all we can tell you at the moment, I am very sorry for your loss"_

The doctors standard 'cliché' phrase when advising people that they had just lost a relative, friend, lover, floated meaninglessly around in his head.

"_Can I see them?"_

_"Err, sorry – which one_?"

"_Both of them! I want to see both of them_" Cal held the startled doctors eyes.

Something in his stance, the tone of his voice, the slight menace in his eyes warned the doctor not to ask the standard questions about being a relative, he just nodded.

"_I'll send someone along to you and they will sort it all out_"

_He beat a hasty retreat_.

Cal sat down on one of the uncomfortable benches that lined parts of the corridor. With his elbows on his knees he started to almost crush his head in his hands hoping that somehow this would make everything in his brain make sense.

Oh Yes – he had heard every single word the doctor had said, every last detail had been committed to his memory – but that didn't mean it made sense.

"_Dr. Lightman_" Cal's voice recognition mode wasn't in gear at the moment so he had to look up to see who it was – when he saw her face something exploded inside him.

"_How the fuck could you let this happen? What the bloody hell were you thinking? – NO scratch that, because it is blatantly obvious that you weren't thinking were you_?"

Torres had stepped back more than a few paces and was wide eyed at Lightman's reaction to her appearance.

"_I…what do you….what_?"

_"WHY did you split up? How many times have I told you that when it's just you and her NOT to split up – but NO, you go wandering off – wot some hot school boy grab your attention? And now what? For Fucks sake how many times have I told you_…?"

"_Sorry, I'm sorry Dr. Lightman, but_"

"_GET OUT OF HERE TORRES – NOW_!"

With the tears starting to run down her cheeks Ria turned and ran.

"_Was there really any need for that Cal? The poor girl has only just got here, she doesn't even know what has happened yet, let alone being accused of it being all her fault"_

_"And you can piss off Zoe, right now! – I don't even know why you're here_"

"_Because everyone else is working on the case Cal, fortunately Ben had the foresight to ring me because he thought you weren't safe to be left here on your own – looks like he was right_"

"_Really! Think again – Reynolds was wrong. There is a reason you are my ex wife, one of them is that I don't need you anymore_!"

"_Well think of me as being here for everyone else's benefit rather than yours if that helps – now excuse me for a few moments whilst I try and stop that young protégée of yours from picking up the nearest scalpel and slashing her wrists_"

Zoe whooshed off down the corridor.

Cal resumed his previous head in hands position.

Actually, he thought, that didn't sound like too much of a bad idea at the moment.

Serena was dead. Didn't make it through her surgery. Too much blood loss and shock.

Gillian – Shit Gillian. Critical but stable. Stable maybe, but even if her body made it, the doctors couldn't guarantee what her brain would do!

They had successfully drained a huge clot that had formed around the impact area, but they had no idea what damage it – or the impact had caused. She was currently sedated and on life support, but hell! – she was 'stable'so THAT was ok!

He sat up as he heard, and recognised the staccato footfall of Zoe making her way back to him.

"_I've sent her to your office in a cab, you didn't leave her in any condition to drive. Here, I've got you a coffee, and when you're ready I'll tell you the latest on what happened"_

_"You have news? – Well? Cum on Zo what is it_?"

"_Well, apparently they found this one girl, quite young, and extremely upset, but she seemed to see most of what happened. Foster had initially been walking around outside with that..Serena is it? anyway some boy went up to them and said he wanted to speak to his tutor in private, whilst he took her away somewhere there was a whole group of youngsters that suddenly surrounded Foster, they were screaming at her to hand over her cell and handbag. Stupidly, she refused and they attacked her. Serena heard the commotion and made her way back, she tried to get Foster out from the middle of them but got herself dragged in to it instead. The girl said that as soon as one or two of them got knifes out that Serena…well she apparently wrapped herself round Gillian, almost like a …protective covering which is why she had all of the wounds whereas Gill had the most of the hits and impact damage_"

"_Christ – Do they know who? can the girl identify them? Any of them_?"

"_Loker seems to think she does know some of them but is too scared to say at the moment. He's still working on that. Cal, he will find out you know, they'll get them I'm sure, but you have to be prepared that probably little, or nothing will be done_"

"_Yeah right – fucking juveniles' right_!"

"_Well that and they were probably 'drugged up' as well. Sweetheart..I AM sorry you know..I didn't meet this 'Serena' but Emily seemed to adore her – and our daughter is normally a good judge of character, that plus the fact that_…"

"_That she died trying to save Fosters life_?"

"_Yes. There is that as well_"

As they sat in silence a young nurse approached. "_Dr. Lightman? Both err ladies are ready for you to see now – which one do you want to errr first_?"

"_The morgue first I think, I'll probably be spending quite a bit of time with Gill_"

Cal stared at what was once – just a short time ago – a vital, vibrant woman. Although they had tried to 'tidy; her up there was still dried blood in her hair. The whiteness of her skin clearly showed that she was dead. Cal had been advised not to pull the sheet down, but he had, of course! There were so many stab wounds. Large hasty incisions where they had fought frantically to try and save her.

He pulled the sheet back up and placing a small kiss on her forehead, turned and left.

"_Are you all right Cal? Oh god that is such a stupid question – of course you're not. Would a hug help_?"

He managed a tiny smile, "_Yeah, you know what – I think it would_"

He stayed in his ex wifes arms for quite some time. She held him tightly so, for a while he just switched off.

When he felt her grip start to loosen he knew it was time to come back.

"_Shall we see how Gillian is doing Cal_?"

"_Yeah, thanks Zo_"

They kept their arms round each other as they made their way to ICU.


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer as Norm…_

**The Awakening**

Heidi poked her head round the door to the lab, "_Ria, Dr. Lightman's in and he's asked you to pop along and see him please_"

Torres stared at Loker.

"_I wouldn't keep him waiting if I were you_"

Eli grinned at Ria, but it wasn't his normal mischievous type, it was more…calming.

"_What is he even doing in the office today? I thought he would be glued to the hospital until she wakes up_"

"_Probably just wants in on the case_"

Ria got up and made her way to Cal's office, she tapped very lightly on the door.

"_Yeah_?"

Taking a deep, calming breath and straightening her back Torres went in.

"_You wanted to see me_"

"_Torres – Cum in_"

He looked so tired, and ..almost beaten. Ria stood in the middle of the office not knowing what to do or say.

"_I know now that when you came to the hospital, you had no idea of what had happened, and, of course it wasn't your fault, any of it. You were just…well I suppose a victim of wrong place wrong time…but I'm sorry Ria, really sorry about the things I said…I didn't mean it – you know that don't you? – Well, anyway, I just wanted to say that….Tell Loker we'll have a meeting in the conference room in about 30 minutes yeah_"

"_Arhh, yeah, sure…I..I'll see you then_"

Loker was trying to read her face as soon as she walked back into the lab.

"_So what did he blame you for this time – Global warming_?"

"_He..well he err – apologised actually_"

"_Wow, he must be feeling tired_"

30 minutes later most of the staff were assembled in the conference room. Reynolds was standing at the back.

"_So, Cal started, "What exactly do we have_?"

"_FBI and DEA have all been hittin on their normal snitches, but we are getting nothing, I mean zero. Wherever this stuff is comin from we don't think it's any of the bigger gangs, not professionals_" Ben shrugged his shoulders.

"_Brilliant – well ok, where does that leave us then? Loker, Torres your thoughts_?"

Loker coughed _"I'm thinking maybe one small group, possible collage kids. Decided to try making something bit new and came up with this…maybe realised they were onto a winner and just started flooding the high schools with it – fast cash_"

"_Well it's a possible road to follow_"

Torres and Loker could see Cal was struggling, searching for what to advise his staff to do next. Ria decided to jump in.

"_I was thinking maybe Eli and I could try enrolling as late, mature students – maybe catch a couple of classes in 1 or 2 collages – see if we can pick up anything_"

"_Yeah, actually that's a good idea Torres, get onto it will you – but I want you and Loker to stay together, Go in as a couple or sumthing ok_"

There were a few more ideas and catch ups discussed, distribution of lab work was agreed and the meeting was over.

Cal had been sitting in his office nearly all day just going over tape upon tape of interviews with school staff and kids. He already knew there was nothing to be found, but he had to do it anyway.

He knew that more than a few of his staff were wondering why he wasn't glued to Gillian's bedside as she would have been if it were him in the bed, but he couldn't see the point.

The doctors had told him that she was so heavily sedated the previous night that it was extremely unlikely that she would have even been able to hear his voice

His mobile beeped, looking at the screen he could see it was Zoe, what the hell did she want now? He was tempted not answer it but…

"_Yeah_"

"_Cal, I'm at the hospital. Emily wanted to pop in and see Gill. Cal it's the strangest thing – they decided she appeared to be doing so well in the early hours that the doctor started bringing her off the sedation, just to see how she would do – after a couple of hours she started to wake up and pull at her breathing tube so they took it out. From that point she has been doing amazingly well they say. She's woken more than a few times, although not for long, but so far they are very happy with her progress, and…I thought you might like to know_…"

"_Shit! Why didn't they ring me – they were supposed to ring me if there were any changes – idiots Have they said anything else? How they think she is? If there's any…problems?"_

_"They won't really discuss it with me Cal"_

_"I'll be there in 15…and…thanks Zo_"

Cal was immediately out of the office and gone.

"_Well Dr Foster hasn't really been awake long enough for us to establish too much – but all the indicators we can look at for now are very encouraging"_

_"Right, ok..I'll be stayin with her from here on in alright_" It was a statement rather than a request.

Most of the doctors and nurses involved with Gillian's care had already worked out that there was no point in arguing with Cal Lightman.

"_Right, of course. I'll tell the nursing team_…"

Cal had been chatting away to Gill for about half an hour, she was till sound asleep, he had not seen any of the short waking spells they claimed she had, but never the less he chatted about Emily and work in general, not the main case of course, but smaller silly things.

He then decided to take a chance,_ "Gill, I really would like to know if you can hear me luv, if you can, do you think you can just squeeze my hand a bit, or lift a finger up, just try for me sweetheart would you_…"

He sat there with her hand lightly covering his and waited…nothing…but then – just the very faintest of squeezes on his fingers.

He never realised anyone could feel that happy about a movement that small, but it meant not only could she hear him, but she understood and could re act appropriately – and that..was a milestone.

He chatted away for a while longer then told her he didn't want to tire her out so he was going to let her sleep, but he would be in the room with her – for her at all times.

He heard his name from a distance..'…' as he struggled to locate it a cool hand touched his face and that was all he needed to jump back to reality.

"_Wha…was I asleep? Shit! How long? Is Gill ok_?"

"_It was just a few hours Dr. Lightman, and I think you really needed it. Dr. Fosters been asleep the whole time, but I'm about to give her face, neck and arms a bit of a light cool wash down, yesterday it made her wake just a little so I thought_…"

"_Yeah..yeah that's great thanks_"

The pretty young nurse offered him a cool wet flannel first with a shy smile. He took it and scrubbed the rest of the sleep from his face.

He stood close enough to see her face, but not to hinder the nurse as she started ministering to Gill. At first there was nothing at all, but, very gradually he saw flickering motions in her lids…and then…that beautiful blue appeared as she opened her eyes fully.

"_Hello Gillian, how are you today? There's someone here to see you my luv_" The nurse used her hand to call him closer to the side of the bed.

"_Gill, you alright girl? We've all been really worried about you luv_"

Her eyes were studying him but he couldn't read much of anything in them.

Slowly Gill opened her mouth, but nothing came out, then he could see slight frustration.

"_Oh that cup there the one that's like a sippy cup, try her on some of that_"

He held it gently to her lips and smiled as she gulped as much down a she could. When the cup was empty he wiped a tiny bit away from the corner of her lips, "_You seemed to enjoy_ _that luv_"

"_My..mouth was so dry – thank you_"

The nurse had rung for the doctor and now he entered the room.

Cal stood back as he made a number of checks, pupil dilation, blood pressure, temperature, heart rate, finally…"_Welcome back , can you tell me how you are feeling? Do you know_ _where you are, why you're here_?"

"_I…I feel kinda weird I guess, I don't know where I am, or why I'm here..What_….?"

"_It's ok, perfectly natural for you to feel a bit confused right now, just try and stay calm, here..heres one of your friends, why don't you two have a chat for a minute_"

As the doctor stepped away from the bedside, Cal approached again.

"_Hello Gill, look who's here to bully you_"

As soon as he saw her face he started to worry.

"_Gill – do you know me_?"

She slowly shook her head and tears formed. "_I'm sorry, should I ? I don't seem to …What did you say my name was?"_

"_Shit_" He said it as quietly as he could.

"_Don't start panicking just yet Dr. Lightman, temporary amnesia is only one the things that could be expected_".

He stared at those blues eyes again and saw the complete absence of recognition in them, and there was almost a childlike fear beginning as well.

"_It's alright Luv, Yes, your name is Gillian, Gillian Foster, and mine is Cal. We have been friends for a good number of years now, you have been in an accident that might make it a bit hard for you to remember everything right now, but don't worry luv, it will all come back when you're ready, just rest for now_"


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you Fearsome Foursome, for your reveiws of the last two chapters- I think you are the only one that likes this story of mine - so for you - and my own sense of finishing what you start - I will continue this to it's natural end - Whatever that might be????**

**Please be advised that the following chapter does contain semi graphic scenes of a sexua nature - There...You have been warned.....**

_Disclaimer as Norm…_

**Homecoming**

Cal kept checking his watch.

The doctors had decided than today Gillian could go home and he was due to pick her up at 3 in the afternoon.

He had come into the office early to try and get as much cleared as possible.

All their normal cases had suffered whilst they were all still desperately trying to chase downs leads on the drugs case.

Despite everyone's efforts they were still no closer to the source of the problem.

Yes they had got all concerned in the attack on Gillian and Serena, Cal was ultimately disinterested in the outcome of that one, he wanted the makers and distributers.

The drug itself seemed to have completely disappeared off the market now, which although he was glad in one way – it made it harder to investigate.

Torres and Loker were still trawling the collage scene, but nothing of any interest had emerged from that so far.

So now Cal was trying to play catch up on everything else.

He had produced final reports on three outstanding cases and left them for posting, watched and scored more than 50 files on both visual and vocal content, he'd also managed to get the billing up to date.

It was coming up for 1pm and he was trying to wind down a bit now.

He started focusing more on how to handle Gill leaving the hospital and returning to her apartment when she still had absolutely none of her former memory.

They had tried all the normal things, photos, stories, many visitors.

Emily was there virtually everyday – Torres, Loker, Heidi, Reynolds – they had all been going with their individual stories in the hopes that one might just be the break point.

It had however been 2 weeks since she had woken that day – and nothing!

The doctors were still saying give it time, but Cal and his team could all see that even they had expected a little of something to have broken through by now.

They had completed extra MRI's and as many tests as they could, but on the medical front everything looked good.

It was strange that she remembered general things: who the president was, details of certain programmes she liked, how to use computers, how to drive, almost everything in that respect, it was just her life that seemed to have gone.

The plan was to take her home for a few hours and see how she got on there, then she would come back to Cal's for the evening, have dinner, watch a movie or two, and she would stay overnight in the spare room.

The next day, if she was feeling up to it, Cal would take her into the office.

Gillian herself seemed ok with all the plans that were being made for her. She had taken, almost instantly to Emily so staying at his house, with Emily there, didn't seem to worry her at all, and she seemed to trust Cal as well which he was pleased with.

He leant back in his chair and closed his eyes for a while.

The funeral for Serena was still in his mind a lot.

When he had finally tracked down her will in England, she had named a close friend as executer.

That friend had actually turned out to now be living in San Francisco and she was more than happy to have the funeral in the States. Apparently it was always Serena's 'spiritual' home anyway.

Of course it had been a non conformist affair. Mostly her friends (of which there seemed to be a good couple of hundred) and no relatives had been located.

Cremation had taken place and the 'Goodbye' was held at the Grand Canyon were the ashes were thrown to the wind.

Emily had insisted on going and although a bit doubtful at the time, Cal was glad afterwards that he had agreed as Emily had declared that she had found the whole thing to be quite beautiful and very settling.

Cal still missed her.

He had become at lot more attached than he had allowed himself to realise, and now, with Gillian the way she was, he felt like he had almost lost them both.

He started to tidy up his desk, (a rare occurrence Foster would have said) and made himself ready for the journey to the hospital.

Gillian was sitting next to him on the journey to her apartment, there was an uncomfortable silence between them that Cal found very unsettling.

"_You're not finding this very easy are you_?"

It was a simple question she had asked, but to Cal it told him that somewhere inside her brain she had still retained a certain amount of her ability to 'read'.

"_It's just taking me a bit of time to work it out_" he replied "_We…well we used to chat about anything and everything, and now I have to stop and think because I don't know if you'll_ _remember what I'm going on about – not your fault luv, like I said, I just need to adjust a bit_"

He stopped the car. "_Well, here we are then luv, let's go see if anything here rings any bells_"

Gillian spent a long time in her bedroom. Her wardrobe in particular seemed to hold a great interest for her.

_"Anything_?" Cal asked hopefully

"_Not really. I mean sometimes I look at a certain dress and think it feels familiar, but I just don't know why"_

"_Well that's a start, better than nothing. Have you tried anything in the bathroom_, _maybe the sense of smell…it's supposed to be one of the strongest when it comes to memory_"

She wandered into the bathroom and started opening bottles.

"_THIS! I know this one ..but.."_

Cal went in. "_But what, let me see it_"

"_Did I wear aftershave to work_?"

Cal grinned a little, "_No, that's err mine actually, I think I must have left it here the last time I stayed over_"

"_Oh, then I suppose I'm just remembering it from you wearing it to the hospital I guess_"

"_I don't think you can be Gill. This was the only bottle I had_. _I thought I'd just lost it, or used the last of it without realising. I haven't actually worn this in ages…funny, I could have_ sworn I _asked you to check at the time_…"

"_Well I must have really liked it on you to remember it then_"

"_I hope so – you bought it for me luv. Do you mind if I take it back with me_?"

She didn't answer as it seemed somewhat mute. The bottle was already in his pocket!

They had stayed a few hours just looking through all her belongings, some photo's etc. Gill put together a small bag of things she thought she might need or want and then they made the journey back to his house.

Emily was waiting for them. She had cooked one of Gills favourite meals and handmade an extra chocolate packed pudding which Gill had extra helpings of – (No change in her tastes in puddings then!).

After watching a film Cal sent Emily off to bed as it was a school night.

"_Right – well I'm sure you must be feeling quite tired now too luv._ _I'll show you where the spare room is_" With a grateful smile she followed him upstairs.

He showed her around making sure she knew where the bathroom was, and then left her to it.

He made his way back downstairs for a well needed whiskey.

Cal actually made his way through 4 glasses before he felt that there might be some chance he could sleep.

Turning off all the lights and checking the doors, he made his way to his room. After a very quick shower he took to his bed and attempted to get a few hours at least.

Just as he started to feel slightly droopy eyed he was snapped back by the sound of his door opening.

"_Cal, it's just me, Gill. Can I come in please_?"

"_Err Yeah – course luv, if there a problem_?"

"_Sort of..I can't sleep, and I feel – well very lonely and a bit scared in there._ _I know it's silly but I guess I'm so used to having all the hospital stuff around me, and people coming in and_ _out_…."

"_No, that's ok, it's understandable really. I keep forgetting, I mean it's not like you know this house is it, so it's bound to be a bit weird for you. Do you want to go back downstairs, watch another film or something_?"

"_No, but I would like to just maybe talk for a while, if you don't mind?"_

"_Whatever you think might help, I'll put the small light on and_ .."

"_No, don't, it's fine like this really_"

With that she moved across the room and slid under the covers with him.

He was shocked to say the least.

She was wearing a cotton shirt which in point of fact had been one of his, but he realised she probably didn't know that.

His main problem however was that his normal sleeping attire was…well nothing! That's how he felt most comfortable, and that was precisely what he had – or didn't have on right now.

He tried to shuffle away from her slightly.

"_Err Gill, I have a slight problem luv, it's just that ..well I wasn't exactly expecting any company so..well..don't let this scare you but I'm not actually wearing anything at the moment. Just keep yer head turned in the other direction and I'll go put something on yeah_"

Instead of doing as he asked however, he felt her arm reach out and fall over his waist.

"_Don't worry, it doesn't bother me…unless you're…shy_…"

Cal decided it was better at this point not to say anything at all, he wasn't even sure he could, but as she snuggled even closer to him he knew that he definitely wasn't sure how long he could allow this intimacy to continue before he started having 'problems'.

"_Can I ask you some questions about us Cal? would you mind_?"

"_No, go ahead – whatever you want to know_"

Although their full bodies weren't touching, she had moved her hands to his chest, and was now almost absent mindedly twirling her fingers in the hair she found there.

"_I know you told me that we have been friends – close friends for a good many years now but – has it ever been anything more than that? did we have any feelings for each other besides that of friends_?"

"_Why do you ask that_?"

"_I'm not sure, it's just that I feel like some how we have been closer than friends. To be perfectly honest with you Cal, I find that I'm very – attracted to you, and that it's not a feeling that I am unfamiliar with_"

This was totally not what he had been expecting this evening, if it had, he would have certainly stayed off the whiskey.

What could he tell her though, the truth! That they had both had the feelings she felt now for god knows how many years, but for whatever the reasons at the time, had chosen not to act on them.

Could he just get away with a simple, 'that's... difficult one luv that's probably best saved for the daytime to talk about'

He was at a complete loss on how to respond.

"_I'm guessing, from your silence, that there was something more…Cal, would you kiss me – please_"

What about the 'line' – what if he crossed that line now and when she regained her memory she would be furious at him, at rightly so.

But what if she never regained her memory fully…what if….

His lips found hers.

He knew at that moment that he had definitely crossed the line of polite behaviour and more over, could probably be accused of taking advantage…but he couldn't give a damn, her hands were exploring his back and shoulders, her mouth had already allowed him to deepen the kiss and meet her tongue with growing passion.

He turned her on her back and started to feel the warmth of her breasts through the thin cotton of the shirt, within seconds she had stopped him.

"_Help me..take it..off_" she was getting out the words through gasps which deepened as he pulled the shirt from her body.

Now he let his tongue do the exploring of her nipples as his hands dragged down her legs.

He felt Gills hands move again, this time one stayed pressed against the small of his back, whilst the other seemed to track the trail of heat as it led her to the hardness between his legs.

It was his turn to groan as she first caressed him, then took a gentle, but firm hold and started to move her hand rhythmically up and down.

"_Shit Gill, what are you trying to do to me_?" she didn't reply verbally, merely increasing the speed of her motions.

He had to pull away from her slightly before she pushed him over the edge too soon.

To divert her attention he moved one of his hands from her breast to between her legs finding that she willingly parted them slightly for him.

.

Cal moved his other hand up to the side of her neck making sure he had a finger resting on her pulse point. Then he started a slow dance with his fingers inside her. She instantly moved her hand from his back up to his hair and dug her fingers into his scalp, her head went back and she started moaning, but Cal kept her fingers moving around waiting for that immediate jump of pulse rate that came when the 'right' spot was touched.

He soon had the response he was waiting for and he started to put more pressure on then, as her body started to writhe he had to move further on top of her using his weight to keep her in place.

Her mouth was open but there was just deep heavy breaths coming out, as he started to move further on top of her.

Something made him have to check just one last time.

"_Gill – are you absolutely sure about this?"_

_"Oh god yes! Please Cal_"

That was all he needed to hear as he used his legs to part hers further, he withdrew his hand.

Working on instinct and a certain amount of practice he found the place he needed without any other forms of guidance and moved with certainty inside her.

Gills hips swung upward to meet him as she cried out his name.

He found her as warm and wet as her mouth had been on the first kiss.

As he increased his speed he could feel her nails digging deeply into his neck and back, it was one of the few types of pain he enjoyed.

When he ultimately started to feel she was close, he added a touch more force to his thrusts.

His hands grabbed her hair on either side of her face as he held her head at an angle he could watch her.

As she came, he tried to take in every single thing he could to store in his memory forever.

The desperation that flowed into joyous release on her face, her legs gripping onto him, how the very last breath seemed to explode out of her and, as she released her nails from his skin, how her arms wrapped round him and gripped him so tightly he might be the only thing keeping her from drowning in an ocean of fulfilment.

He used all of these things along with a final few thrusts before he allowed his own satisfaction to over whelm him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi, many thanksfor the kind words and reveiws. This chapter is a little angsty - sorry to all those who don't like angst - but is required for the plot.**

_Disclaimer as Norm_

**Emily's Trust**

It was still the early hours of the morning when Cal was woken by shuffling noises outside on the landing, listening more carefully he could also hear muttering.

Checking the bed Gill was still fast asleep next to him so carefully, trying not wake her, he got up and pulled on a pair of jogging bottoms.

Opening the door he peered around, it was then he saw Emily coming back out of her bedroom and pacing down the hall. She walked right past him like he wasn't there and she was till muttering but he couldn't make out what about.

As she went to pass by him again he grabbed her arm.

_"EM..Emily…wots up luv_?" Still she seemed not to notice him and he was beginning to wonder if she had started sleepwalking.

"_DAD!"_ her sudden acknowledgment of his presence took him by surprise.

"_Emily, wot an earth are you doing_?"

"_Well it's not a question of what I am doing here is it! more what you are doing here…You shouldn't have done that dad – and ..and he shouldn't have done it, really..It's a question of trust isn't it ..and..and when there's no trust..it's just wrong..it's all wrong_" Her voice was shaky and came in short breathless bursts. She broke free from him and continued pacing.

"_Emily – Calm down! Listen to me Em, tell me what's wrong with you_?"

"_NO! no ..I should, but I can't because of the trust you see there should be trust_ …"

Cal scooped her up in his arms and ran down the stairs. He went straight into the kitchen were he knew there was the best light.

Standing her upright he did a full scan.

Her eyes were wild and staring, her hair was in knots and her clothes were dishevelled.

She had dirt and open grazes on her hands and legs. Grabbing the house phone he punched in a number. "_Reynolds, get over here right NOW! And get one of your Fed medics – no_ i_t's not Gillian…It's Emily_"

"_Emily, look at me- do you know who I am_?"

"_Yes –Yes of course I do dad, and it's wrong- you're wrong you shouldn't have..it's about the trust and it is with him – the trust he's ruined the trust dad ..I want Eli. I need to speak to Eli, where is he_ ?"

"_What the hell? All right Emily, it's ok I'll get Eli here for you - calm down luv_"

His next phone call was to Loker.

Loker got there first. Reynolds was having problems dragging the on call medic out of his duty bed without being able to explain exactly what the emergency was about.

Cal had at least got Emily to sit still on the couch, but she was still muttering and rocking.

He briefly explained what he could to Loker who just nodded his head and went and sat next to Emily.

"_Hi Em, yer dad said you wanted to talk to me, and, well, here I am, ready to talk_"

She threw her arms round him and started crying. Eli just stroked her hair and kept telling her she was ok and safe.

Cal was the one that was pacing now, his brain was in overdrive as to what had happened to his daughter, and of course he was going right to the worst case scenarios.

Loker had managed to get Emily to stop crying and now they were hunched over together, there was a lot of whispering.

Reynolds and the medic turned up then and Cal again filled them in on what he knew so far.

"_The girl should be taken to a hospital Ben, why have you called me out here_?"

Cal answered him. _"Because I don't want her going through the public system unless she really has to. I don't want her having to undergo a full…rape kit unless we know for certain that she needs it – That's why_!"

"_Cal, calm down man, Pete here will help us all he can, he has a daughter Emily's age so he understands, right Pete_?"

Pete saw the raw pain in Cal's face, "_Yes, yes of course I will. I'll just go over and see what we can sort out. Maybe you two could get some coffee going_"

Ben steered Cal into the kitchen "_It's probably not as bad as it looks Cal. You need to stop making up things in your head and just try to wait until we know more of the facts_"

Cal did his best to wait patiently.

He could hear her talking outside, could hear the soft, gentle tones of Eli responding.

He wanted to be the one out there with is arms round her, the one telling her no matter what had happened, she was safe now and he was going to make it all better. He was her father – that was his job that Loker was now doing – Why?

Why was Emily so scared of him? What had he done, or not done?

The doctor came in and Cal jumped up, is face showing the pain and the desperation he was going through. The doctor put his hand reassuringly on his shoulder and pushed him back down into the chair whilst he pulled up another and sat in front of him.

"_Fir_s_tly, and most importantly to you I think, I can see no signs at all that your daughter has, in any way, been sexually assaulted." _He could see some of the anguish drop away from Cal's face.

"_Although she won't talk directly to me, your lad out there seemed to be to pick up on the questions I was trying to ask, and he put them to her. Some of them she as able to answer, others not so…and before you start bombarding me with any questions about what has happened to her, I must advise you that all my questions were medically based. I chose not to try and go into any circumstantial questions_."

"_Ok, so what, medically speaking, can you tell me please doctor_?"

"_Well she has definitly been given, or has taken, some sort of drugs hence her agitated and somewhat paranoid demeanour. I can't tell you what exactly, but we did manage to get some blood from her so I will take that with me and get a rush on it. Any other injuries appear to be minor, the scrapes and abrasions you saw for yourself, there is some bruising on her upper arms which to me, would show that someone had been trying to hold her forcibly. Apart from that, I really can't find anything that would warrant hospital admission. I would like your permission to give her a mild sedative, hopefully, after a few hours sleep she will be more able to tell us what happened – and by then I should have the results of the bloods as well_."

"_Yeah, yeah of course. Whatever you think doc. Sleep..is probably what she needs right now_"

"_Right. I'll go and get that sorted and get her up to her room. Your man – Eli is it?- is going to give me a hand, and at the same time we'll give those cuts a good wash and dress them. For whatever the reason, your daughter seems to feel very safe with Eli, so I'd rather he stayed with her for now, He seems more than happy to do that_"

Cal just nodded his head trying to control the stabbing feeling he got when he was told that his Emily trusted someone more than him.

Ben came in then and looked with concern at Cal's face.

"_I've just gone up and checked on Gillian, she's still sound asleep luckily, although I was kinda expecting to find her in the spare room, not yours_…"

He was cut off by a completely scathing glare from Cal that clearly told him to mind his own business on that subject.

Ben sighed. _"Look man, everything that can be done at the moment, is being done. I think, as hard as this may sound, that you should try for few hours as well. If it's ok with you I'd like to take Emily's cell and a few other things back to the office with me- yer know start tracing her last calls and things. Loker is gonna stay in her room with her, so- you need to try and get some rest man_"

Cal was starting to go into a strange sort of dazed state, he knew, in a way that Reynolds was right.

Ben took the things that he wanted and then left with the doctor.

Cal wanted desperately to go into Emily's room and just see her, kiss her on the head, hold her hand as she slept, but he knew he couldn't. Eli was with her and that was all he could do at moment.

He left the lights on and made his way back up o his room and an innocent, sleeping Gillian.

Sliding in beside her, he gently took her in his arms, feeling her automatically snuggle closer to him.

He was asleep before he knew it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry about the longer than normal gap between this update and the last...Just had probs getting to grips with this chapter...don't know why..I just hope it doesn't come through in the writing.....**

_Disclaimer as Norm._

"**I love You Dad"**

Cal only slept for a few hours, there was too much playing on his mind for it to lay in slumber for longer than that.

When he woke the first thing he did was peek through Emily's bedroom door.

She was still fast asleep.

Loker was scrunched up in a chair beside her. His head was balancing on her pillow and his hand was firmly locked in hers.

The feeling of inadequacy started to creep over him again so he closed the door and went back to his room.

Letting out a frustrated sigh he sank into a large armchair in the corner of the room.

With all that had happened over the previous 8 or so hours he had almost forgotten that he still had to deal with Gillian when she finally woke up.

Gillian, who still had no real memory of who she was.

Gillian, who had long ago invented that hated 'line' of hers and had always trusted him not to transgress over it.

Gillian, whom last night he had betrayed that trust of, and, in circumstances where he should have been looking after her – protecting her – he had taken advantage of her and not just crossed the line – he had completely erased it.

Christ what kind of a day was he going to have!

Slowly he got up and went over to the side where she was sleeping..so innocently…."_Gillian_" he whispered softly in her ear. She mumbled something that was incoherent. "_Gillian luv_, _you need to wake up now_"

"_Why_?" her hand reached up and stroked the side of his face.

"_Listen sweetheart, you slept through a hell of a lot last night, and, well the early hours of the morning as well. I need to really wake yourself up a bit so that I can explain. Can you do that for me Gill_?"

"_Mmmm, I suppose so….what could be so bad that you wouldn't want to join me backing this lovely warm bed though?"_

_"Sweetheart, it's Emily. When she came home last night – well something wasn't right…and it looks like she has been attacked or something, not badly…but someone had drugged her and_…"

Gillian was suddenly bolt upright, her eyes full of shock and concern.

"_Emily…Attacked! Oh my god Cal, how is she? Where is she? Oh Cal, drugged you said- is she in hospital? You should be there with her not here bothering with me – why didn't you wake me Cal_?"

Cal caught hold of her as she was trying to jump out of the bed.

"_Gill…Gillian, wait luv. Just calm down a bit ok. Emily's here at home. I had a doctor come out to her. Look I think you should get dressed and come downstairs. I'll get the coffee going and then I'll try and explain it all to you. Ok_?"

"_Yes..of course. That sounds …sensible. I'll see you down there_"

**XXX**

The coffee was ready and waiting when Gill made her way down to the kitchen.

Now she was fully awake she could see how tired and drawn Cal was looking, she wished she knew how to help him.

"_Ca_l?"

He looked up and tried for a smile.

"_Hello luv, sit down and have your coffee_"

Gillian sat and looked at him. It was obvious to Cal she had questions for him but wasn't sure where to start or how.

As much as he was attracted to this beautiful woman sitting in front of him, he wished now, more than at any other time since the attack, that this was 'his' Gillian sitting there, God how he needed her comfort and support right now!

"_Gill, sweetheart – there is a lot I need to talk to you about- about us, last night, I wish I could take that time right now to do that – but I can't luv. All I can do is ask you to be patient right now, because I really need everything I have to deal with…to help_…"

She stretched out her hand and covered his. As she watched his eyes start to water, she felt her own tears well up in sympathy.

"_Don't even think about me at the moment Cal, I'm fine – really- and..anything I can do, I mean it, anything, even if it's just making regular coffee…Do you feel up to telling me what happened_?"

Cal recited the events as if he were reading from a statement. He tried to keep it impersonal, like it was just any other person in any other case – but when he got to the sections where Emily had rejected him for Eli, Gill could hear the tremor in his voice.

"_Dr. Lightman_" Cal jumped when he hear the soft, low tones of Loker cut into the silence that had followed his 'info chat' to Gill.

"_Loker What the hell are you doing down here? Where's Emily? she shouldn't be on her own_"

Eli put his hands up in a gestural calming motion.

"_It's ok, ju..just calm down a minute. Emily's fine, she woke up this morning feeling much more like herself. She said she was gonna take a shower then head on down to talk to you."_

"_How does she sound? Does she remember anything about what happened? Did she…"_

_"She sounds quite normal now, but I didn't wanna push her on anything…so…the answer to the rest of your questions is…I don't know_"

Gill got up and walked over to Cal, she started rubbing his shoulders.

"_I know it's hard Cal but try and use this time to calm down a little. If Emily wants to talk to you, you need to be calm and patient with her, encourage her gently. Remember, she's not a suspect here_."

Lightman and Loker stared at her together.

"_What? Did I say something wrong_?" Gill was a bit worried that she may have overstepped her mark.

"_No, it's just that you sounded so like…well…Dr Foster then. It's just what she would have said_" Loker smiled at her.

"_Eli- I am Dr. Foster. In the long run we can't be that substantially different even if I can't remember everything_"

Cal briefly thought of the 'substantially' different Dr. Foster that he had in his bed, in his arms the previous night!

**XXX**

"_Hi – everyone_"

Emily stood in the doorway, her hair was still damp and she had dressed in very loose clothing as opposed to her normal tight fitting outfits.

She had dark circles under her eyes and her skin as looking even paler than normal.

Cal wanted to run to her and crush her in his arms but he had no idea how she was feeling about him at the moment, and he didn't want to frighten her.

Emily looked at her father, she could see the pain in his eyes and without saying another word she threw herself at him.

Her head was buried in his shoulder but he could still clearly hear her words.

"_I'm so sorry dad, I love you so much – I love you daddy_"

Loker and Gillian quietly slipped out of the room pulling up the door behind them.

Cal just held on to his daughter as if she had come back from the dead.

Neither of them were counting the amount of times they both repeated the same phrases:

"_I love you dad"_

_"I love you too Em"_

_"I'm so sorry"_

_"Nuffin to be sorry for luv, nuffin"_

_"I didn't mean t hurt you"_

_"You didn't Em luv, I was just scared for you"_

_"I love you so much dad_"

This only really stopped when there was a cough from the door way and Ben stood there looking a bit guilty that he had to interrupt this father and daughter reunion.

Cal gently pulled his daughter away from him slightly, cupping her face in his hands, he took a deep breath.

"_Emily luv, do you think you are up to telling Ben and I what you remember about what happened to you_?"

There was the slightest of pauses before she nodded her head.

"_Do you want me to get Eli in here as well_?" Cal asked her.

"_No dad, I just need you here with me_"


	11. Chapter 11

_**Hi,...Fearsome Foursome - you keep me going -Thanx......Hope this chapter starts to explain some of the last few....**_

_

* * *

_

Disclaimer as Norm…

**Emily's Story**

Ben sat Emily down with a tape recorder in front of her.

"_Right Emily, I just want you to try and tell us everything you remember about the events leading up to when you got home early this morning. We're gonna try not to interrupt you and so we'll save any questions we might have until after you've finished ok_"

Ben shot a quick warning glance at Cal as he completed his sentence.

"_Well it all began when I got a text from Dan a few days ago, he asked if I wanted to meet up for a coffee. At first I didn't really want to because we'd split up a while ago and although we are still friends…I kinda didn't think it was right. Anyway he kept asking and finally he said that he might be able to tell me a few things about the drugs case that he knew dad was working on_"

Cal jumped straight in….

"_And so THEN you thought you'd go meet him! Christ Emily, how many times have I told you that it is not safe to get involved in my cases? This one particularly…a woman died Em in case you didn't remember that! but no…you decided it would be great fun to go do your 'Nancy bloody Drew' act again_…"

Emily immediately dropped her head and started looking nervous.

"_LIGHTMAN_" Reynolds voice was borderline angry.

He grabbed Cal by the arm and dragged him outside the kitchen.

"_What did I tell you man? Now if you can't control that temper of yours I will take this downtown where you can't interrupt. One more chance lightman and that's it!"_

_"Yeah, yeah – sorry Ben it's just that…"_

_"I know man, this is your daughter and I can understand that – but you've gotta let me do this my way for now, ok_?"

They went back in.

"_Sorry luv, I won't interrupt again_" He ruffled her hair, caught old of her hand and sat down.

"_Well anyway, he asked me to meet him at this address which he shares with a couple of his friends. So I turned up and he was all kinda weird, but he asked me to sit down and he got me a coke. I decided to come straight out with it yer know, so I asked him what he wanted to tell me about the drugs thing. He didn't say anything for a while, so I said I was gonna leave, but then he stated saying how sorry he was abut everything and that no-one was ever supposed to get hurt. He said that his two roomies and a couple of other chem. Classmate had decided to try and make this drug, sorta like a date rape thing but without t being so …nasty..they wanted it to be a fun thing that they could just use for themselves and a few friends, but when they first started trying it out, everyone that tried it said how good it was and word kinda spread. Dan said before he really new what was going on, they were making batches of it and selling it. They tried to make him help them but he didn't want anything to do with that, but he did agree to keep quiet about it_."

Emily came to a stop then and started shuffling her feet and playing with her hair. Cal put hi arm round her shoulder.

"_You're doing really well sweetheart, is it coming to a hard bit for you? You can always stop for a while you know, take a break if you want_"

Cal had already written out the full name of Dan, and his current address and passed it to Reynolds.

"_Yeah, you take a quick break Emily cos you're doing really well girl and I've got to make a quick call anyway_"

He nodded to Cal and went outside.

"_I'm so sorry dad, I know I should have told you, but you seemed to have so much you were dealing with…I just thought…"_

Cal hugged her_. "It's alright Em, I'm not mad at you, really luv, but you must remember, I have always got time for you sweetheart, always…It doesn't matter what else is happening. You promise me you'll remember that yeah_"

Emily offered him a weak smile.

"_Do you want anything before Ben gets back? A coke maybe?"_

_"Errr..no thanks dad, maybe just some water_"

Cal had noticed her very recent aversion to what was her favourite drink, because of that he had a feeling he knew what was coming next and felt intensely sorry for his baby girl. He wished he could find some way of taking this away fro her, but he knew there wasn't one.

Ben returned. " _Do you feel ok to go now Emily_? She just nodded her head so he switched the tape machine back on.

"_Well anyway, I was about to start telling him that he had to go to the police, or even my dad, but I felt that the words weren't kinda forming properly in my head. I could see Dan staring at me…and I just ..I dunno…guessed that he had put something in my Coke. I could hear him start to tell me that he had only done it to show me that the drug didn't make anyone feel violent, he said he wasn't gonna hurt me or anything, but…I could feel myself panicking. I tried to get up and get out, but he grabbed me, he kept saying I had to stay till it wore off, he kept saying that it would all be ok and that no-one was gonna hurt me. I can remember feeling that he was telling me the truth, and that it was all …well kinda cool really.. and I started to feel much more relaxed …I felt I could trust him_"

Cal felt her hand start to grip his a lot tighter and knew she was coming to he hardest bit.

"_It seemed to be fine for a while, but then….well…he just started kissing me, At first I didn't mind because – well it was just kissing right- and we had done that when we were dating, but then he…started to try and put his hands up my sweater and .. grab me.. and ..I just freaked. I can remember screaming at him, that he said he said I could trust him- and then there were things you have said to me dad – in my brain – I could hear them, you know, about only thinking of celibacy, and consequences to actions and things…I remembered the day you gave me back the 'pills' because you trusted me. I just knew I had to get back to you. So I started punching him and kicking him, and somehow… I got away, and all I can remember is just running then. I just ran and ran_"

Her huge brown eyes begged him to tell her she had done the right thing, that he had forgiven her for the earlier, stupid mistake of going with Dan.

Cal pushed her hair back from her face and cupped her chin with his hand.

"_Do you know how proud I am of you Emily? You know that I love you with all my heart cos I'm always telling you that, but I don't think I tell you enough how proud I am of you luv, and how brave you are_"

Ben had all he needed so he quietly packed up his equipment and left the two to what seemed to be an endless hug.

After a lot of kisses and reassurances Emily had offered to make her dad a coffee. Cal watched her, there was still one last unanswered question that he had to ask her.

"_Em, Do you know why…do you remember why that night you didn't trust me?, why you wanted Eli_ ?"

Although she continued in her actions, her moves became a lot slower. Cal couldn't see her full face but he could tell she was trying to decide whether to answer him whilst she still had her back to him, or whether to turn and face him. She chose the latter.

"_It's like I said dad, all I could really think about was trust at the time, and when I got in you weren't downstairs so I figured you'd gone to bed. I crept up real quiet cos I didn't want to wake Gill. When I got near your room, I could hear …well noises..voices I think as well, but I thought you had the TV on so it would be ok to go in. I only opened the door a fraction when I saw….well.. you and Gill…..In my head at the time I guess I just saw it as ..well wrong. Gill was ill , she trusted you to take care of her …I think I just thought you were breaking her trust and I just mixed you in there with Dan….I'm sorry dad …I ..I know that you and Gill- well you wouldn't have done anything unless she wanted to as well…I just was confused that's all. I think I wanted Eli because of his radical honesty thing_"

Cal couldn't have felt much lower than he did at that moment, but he knew he couldn't let his daughter know that she had made him feel hat way.

"_Em…What you saw…well…in a way you are right. What happened probably shouldn't have, but that is something Gill and I have to work out ok. I don't want you to start worrying about it. I am very grateful for your honesty here luv, that couldn't have been easy for you to tell me_"

"_We should never lie to each other ever again dad ok, not about anything – ever"_

_"It's a deal luv, so with that in mind- could you make my coffee stronger in future please, you always make it as weak as piss_"

They were both able to laugh then.


	12. Chapter 12

HI, This chapter is dedicated to my darling 'Piccelo' Whom I very sadly lost today to FIP…She was a loving and beautiful soul.

**Get Out Of Jail Free**

Cal had promised himself that he would tackle talking to Gillian that evening, he knew she was expecting a 'little chat' , she knew it was about their making love even though she had not yet regained her memory.

Cal knew she would be on 'tenterhooks', but Emily had to take priority.

She had taken forever to settle down enough to get to sleep, insisting that she wanted to watch just one more show on TV whilst curled up in her father's arms on the couch. Eventually he had all but carried her to her room but even then she would not let him leave until she had completely succumbed to sleep.

By the time he had made it back to Gill, she too had gone to bed – in the spare room.

Cal had stayed up a little longer enjoying the company of his whisky bottle and working out how many ways he was gonna make all the bastards that Reynolds was in the process of rounding up in the drugs case pay when he got hold of them.

He never made it to his bed, the couch seemed far more preferable to having to make his way back up the stairs again.

The next morning found Cal in his office waiting for a call from Reynolds to find out when the 'collage drug lords'

**xXx**

  
His cell went and he saw Ben's id.

There would have been no doubt that everyone in the Lightman Group Offices would have heard his response.

"_What the hell do you mean there's no reason for me to see them? OF COURSE I need to bloody well speak to them, which ARSE at the FBI decided that ludicrous dictate?"_

_"Lightman, you gotta calm down man, they have all pled guilty to all charges, therefore there is no reason for the Lightman Group to get involved here – other than the fact that you want to terrorise them – and I can't let you do that, as much as I'd like to"_

_"I swear to God Reynolds if I don't get to…"_

_"Well unless one of them changes their plea to not guilty you're not gonna. I'm sorry man – the best I can do is get you copies of all their statements, maybe if you can find something in one of them that's in any way – off…."_

_"Yeah, OK. Thanks Ben, I'll take whatever I can get_"

Being severely deflated and certainly not in the mood for any work, Cal left early that day.

**xXx  
**

When he arrived home he found Gillian cleaning the kitchen.

"_Gill luv, you don't have t do that you know_"

"_Hi Cal, wow you're early home today, and, I know I don't, but I can't just sit around all day. I enjoy it anyway, I'll make you some coffee, you look like you need it_"

She shortly came in with 2 mugs and say next to Cal on the couch. She reached out and pushed some hair back from his forehead letting her fingers rest slightly on his cheek before returning it to her mug.

Cal caught her hand just before it reached its destination, he brought it up to his lips and gently kissed her fingers one by one.

"_As much as I was very close to Hazel, loved her in a way, I am so grateful it wasn't you I lost that day yer know luv"_

_"In a way you did Cal, and I know that's been hard for you. I wish I could get back to being her for you, I've a feeling she would have been a lot more of a support to you right now that have been_"

Cal swept her up in his arms and held her tightly. They stayed quietly holding each other for well over 30 minutes, it was Cal who eventually broke the spell.

"_When you do get your memory back luv, and I know you will, I just hope you will be able to forgive me for what I did the other night_"

Gill saw how ashamed and guilty he looked.

More and more recently she found she was able to do this – facial reading – it seemed quite a natural thing for her to do. Right now she just wanted to rid him of the emotions he was struggling with.

"_You have nothing to feel guilty about Cal, nothing do you hear me. What happened was a choice we both made, and you gave me as much information as you could, I still made that choice- and I certainly don't regret it- not for one second. I just feel a bit sad that you seem to_"

Cal pulled away from her slightly, "_Christ Gill!, keep this up and you'll have me dragging you right back up those stairs again luv_"

"_You wouldn't have to drag me Cal_" she smiled a little wickedly at him.

"_We can't! – I can't! It just isn't fair – not to you"_

_"What if I were to sign a piece of paper saying I will never blame you for it – would that help change your mind?...Or maybe this will_"

She leaned over and kissed him fully and passionately.

Cal tried to lighten things up a bit, "_Well as my as I like your second idea, A written 'get outta jail free' letter might be better for my future health_" He grinned at her.

"_Should I write it for just the one occasion? – or can I put two?"_

"_I've a feeling you might have to leave that bit open luv_" He returned her kiss with equal fervour.


	13. Chapter 13

**Many thanks for all the reveiws - next chapter up.....Hope you enjoy...**

_Disclaimer as Norm._

**All About Cal  
**

Gillian sat in an office that was apparently hers – but not hers.

Cal had brought her into work today in the hopes that her office, the people, something might kick off her memory.

He'd left her sitting in her office while he went and dealt with some business.

She again looked around the interior, the photos, the plants, bits and pieces of personal belongings in the drawers that belonged to her but meant nothing.

She was a psychologist supposedly so she tried to analyse the strange way that some things seemed so familiar to her whilst others did nothing.

The aftershave in her bathroom at home, Cals kitchen, Cals English accent, Emily, Cal's arms around her, Cal's grin – Cal, Cal, Cal! Why was it that everything she felt the slightest bit drawn to was related to Cal?

Standing she made her way back to the woman at the reception.

"_Excuse me_"

"_Yes Dr. Foster, and it's Heidi_"

"_Sorry. Could you tell me if Cal is in his office_?"

"_No, he's in the lab with Ria and Eli at the moment, would you like me to show you were that is?"_

"_Oh, no- Thank you. I just wondered if I might take a few moments in his office_?"

"_Of Course, I'm sure he won't mind. Do you want me to show you which one it is_?"

"_No, I think I remember thanks_"

Opening the door she stood for a few moments before entering, then slowly making her way in she looked around her.

Noticing the multiple photo's of Cal on the wall with lines pointing to different sections of his face a brief clip of a sentence came into her head,

'_Your office looks like it belongs to a serial killer'  
_

She closed her eyes trying to hold on to the memory, pinpoint it, but it had already faded.

**This** office seemed familiar.

This she could believe she had been in before – The African art, the desk with the photo of Emily on it, it all held a comforting feeling for her.

She went and sat in his desk chair, that smell again, she closed her eyes and allowed her mind to drift.

_'Gill, Gillian – it's alright, I got you, I've got you now luv. You're safe.'_

_The cold tarmaced road, a strong pain in her shoulder, fear! Cals arms around her, Cal kissing her hair, her cheek, telling her she was safe with him._

What was that? Such a vivid scene in her head. Had that happened? Where? When?

Cal came through the door and she shot up from the chair and ran to him. She clung on to him fiercely the fear of the recalled scene still partially with her.

"_Gill…What is it luv, wots upset you_?"

She recounted the memory.

Cal sat down on the couch pulling her down with him.

"_Yeah, that's a real event – it happened, a case we were working, a serial killer, but I won't go into the whole thing right now, the point is that you remembered it – and that's good right? I mean it's not such a good thing to remember, but it makes sense that the more traumatic things would come back first_"

"_Serial Killer – I remembered something about that as well, when I first came in…somebody saying that your office looked like a serial killers_"

He let out a short laugh

"_Loker. Eli Loker has said that more than a few times about my office_"

Cal put his arms round her and stroked her hair. "_This is good Gill, really good. What about your office, anything in there help_?"

"_No, nothing_"

"_Have you been through to the library yet_"

Gill stated at him blankly so he took her hand and led her through to his sanctuary.

As soon as they stepped through she felt at home. Turning to Cal she threw her arms round him.

"_I know how much I love this place, somehow I know that we have spent a lot of happy times in here Cal. Everything, I mean everything that brings me any familiarity is all tied up with you, I love you Cal and I know I must have loved you before as well_"

With great reluctance he brought her arms down from his neck and stepped back a little.

"_I think you did Gill, I believe that you and I always have been in love, through our marriages and everything, but there are reasons that we have chosen not to act on those feelings. As much as right now I would like nothing more than to drag you off and put a ring on that finger of yours, make you mine forever, I can't. I have to allow you to get all of your memory back. You need to remember your own reasons for why we have not got together before we can think about taking this any further, I've already stepped over the line by making love to you, I can't let it go any further than that, it wouldn't be fair, and it definitely wouldn't be honest_"

Gill was only just holding back her tears. Maybe she wasn't remembering because she didn't actually want to. Could it be that she wanted to forget whatever reasons she had that were stopping her from being with this man?

He said he wanted to put a ring on her finger and at this moment in time she couldn't think of anything else she would rather have happen.

"_Gill, I want you to go and spend some time in the lab with Loker and Torres. They are going to run some footage of some of the interviews you have done here over the years, you ok with that_?"

"_Yes. Of course. That's a good idea_"

Her head was down but he could see the hurt and confusion in her face.

He had no idea how much longer he could hold back with her, he had to try and distance himself slightly before he lost all control.

Of course there was one more reason he had to separate himself from her, a reason that as yet had not occurred.

Going to his safe he spun the dial. Opening the door he removed the gun that was stashed inside.

Checking it over again, as he had regularly for the last few days, he saw all the chambers were full.

He stared at it, felt the weight of it in his hand, and the weight of it on his heart.

The trial for the drugs case was due to start in a couple of days, Dan was being tried with the rest of them but also faced separate charges of attempted sexual assault.

Emily was going to have to testify as was he.

Since the group had been arrested his bitterness and anger had grown inside him day by day.

Watching Emily getting more and more stressed about testifying, listening to her repeated nightmares, seeing how the whole affair had scarred his little girl, was eating him up.

The loss of Hazel and the current position that he and Foster now found themselves in had all taken their toll on his normal common sense – revenge was getting to be all he could think about recently.

He still had no real plan formulated in his head, all he knew was he kept getting drawn back the his safe and the gun within.

Wrapping it back up, he closed the door once again.


	14. Chapter 14

_Disclaimer as Norm._

**Day One**

It was day one of the trial.

Cal was wandering around in the waiting corridor whilst Emily was in a private room having her last 'prep' before testifying.

"_Cal Lightman - I want a private word with you NOW_"

There was only one person who would take that tone of voice with him. He turned to come face to face with his ex wife.

"_Wot? – If you're here to give support and comfort to our daughter she's in that room over there, there's chairs that you can sit on and wait_"

He started to walk away.

"_Not so fast Cal, I noticed you didn't bother with the metal detector when you came in_"

"_No need, the guards here know me, we're friends, they know they don't have to worry bout me_"

"_I think its more fear than friendship that allows you special privileges Cal, and as for 'trusting' you_!" She gave him a contemptuous smile.

"_Wot exactly do you want Zoe? Don't I have enough shit to deal with here today? Or are you so bored that you decided adding to it would a bit of fun for you_?"

"_Cal, all this anger – all I really wanted was to give you a hug and wish you luck – come here my love_"

She had enveloped him before he could move away.

"_So sweetheart – are you just pleased to see me, or is that a gun in your pants? No- don't bother answering because I know you're not pleased to see me! – You are coming with me to the private room I have here, RIGHT NOW, no fuss darling, just keep smiling_"

She virtually dragged him down the corridor and into a small room. Her attitude at this point changed dramatically and her face was infused with anger.

"_What the HELL do you think you are playing at? Of all the stupid, puerile things Cal….What did you think you were going to do with that!? Kill them all, then shoot your way out with our daughter in tow_?"

"_Fuck off Zoe! This is none of your concern_"

"_Oh isn't it! – so the mental stability not to mention financial security of my daughter is none of my concern! – is that what you are trying to tell me_?"

"_Oh shut up Zo. Just cos I'm carrying it doesn't mean I'm gonna use it_"

"_Just CARRYING it in here can get you life Cal – you know that as much as I do_"

"_Well you best keep that mouth of yours shut for once then hadn't you. Now – if there's nuffin else_….."

"_If you think, just for one tiny second, that I am going to let you walk out of this room still carrying that gun Cal….Hand it over_"

She held her hand out and had a look on her face that clearly showed she had no intention of taking no for an answer.

Cal made a move towards the door ignoring the look, but he caught her movement in the corner of his eye and swung back round to face her.

"_Oh, so wot – you gonna call the cops on me now" he sneered arrogantly, "I KNOW even you wouldn't do that Zo so it'd a bit of a pathetic bluff luv_"

"_Oh I'm not ringing the police Cal_" She was sitting with her legs crossed on the table, one leg swinging. She flashed an almost triumphant smile at him.

"_Hello, The Lightman Group? Yes – I'd like to speak to Dr. Gillian Foster please – could you tell her it's Zoe calling and it's quite urgent – thank you yes I'll hold_"

"_You BITCH! Gimme that bloody phone_"

He tried to make a grab for it but Zoe had completely anticipated the move and swung out of his way with ease.

"_Gillian, hello – thanks for taking my call –yes I am at the courthouse with Cal"_

Her deep brown eyes fixed him to the spot with their cold intensity

They basically told him everything he needed to know – she was most certainly not bluffing!

Slowly he removed the gun from his waistband and placed it on the table in front of her. He then started to back away with his hands held up at shoulder level, open, with palms facing her.

"_Well I was just going to ask you if you think you could spare some time to pop down here, I really think both Cal and Emily could use your support right now – yes I know he probably did tell you not to bother – but Gill sweety, we ALL know he doesn't mean that don't we? When would Cal ever really say no to the chance of having you soothing his fevered brow and 'coo' all over him_!"

She snapped the phone shut and picked up the gun sliding it into her bag.

"_Now all I have to do is work out how to get this thing out of here with out getting myself arrested. Dear Gillian will be here shortly, I'm hoping her presence will prevent you from any other stupid moves you may have formulating in that perverse brain of yours"_

Cal shot her a scathing look_._

"_So coming here to support Emily was never your intention then. You're just gonna swan off and leave her now are you? Without so much as a single word of advice or comfort_"

Zoe took one stride with her long legs and she was within centimetres of his face.

"_I have to get my priorities straight Cal and being a lawyer means I know the main thing I have to do now is get this gun out of the courthouse without anyone being arrested for it! As much as I would dearly love to stay and be with Emily YOU have now made that impossible for me, so don't try to make me feel like the guilty one here – besides which she has you …and very shortly her blessed angel Foster will be here for her too..she doesn't need me as well_"

She made a quick exit out of the door, but not before Cal caught the bitterness and sadness in her face.

Cal took a few minutes to stand in the silence and analyse the confrontation he had just had.

She was right – completely right, he knew that of course, but it didn't stop him feeling very angry with her at the moment.

Scrubbing his face with his hands he too then left the office knowing that Emily would be needing him very soon now, and hoping that Foster could get here sooner rather than later.

**xXx**

As he suspected Emily came out of her prep session soon after he arrived back at the court entrance.

He immediately went and hugged her. Pulling her down onto a chair next to him he cupped her face in his hands.

"_You alright luv, I mean under the circumstances_?"

"_Yeah I guess so dad, I just wish it were all over you know_"

"_I know Em – and it will be, soon luv I promise. It's just this last little bit and then we can start to put it all behind us yeah_"

"_I'm scared dad – I don't wanna go in there_…"

"_Of course you don't Emily – no normal person does. It takes a lot of courage and strength to face all those people in there – but your father and I both know you have that in you. Now come here and give me a hug_"

Fosters gentle soothing tones slid over him and he could see the instant relaxing influence it had on Emily as she flew into Gillian's arms.

As she hugged the young girl Gills eyes looked straight at Cal asking him how he was.

Not good, his eyes returned, but dealing – better now you're here.

She smiled at him.

"_Ok Emily, so you've had your chat with the lawyers, you know what to expect don't you sweetheart? Is there anything you want to ask me or your dad? Anything you didn't understand, or thought you couldn't ask them?"_

Emily lifted her head to look at Gill.

"_How do I face them Gill? Dan and the others. How can I sit there and say what happened with them all there watching me_?"

"_Oh Emily love! There's only going to be one time when you really have to look at them, that's when you will be asked to identify the them. The rest of time you just have to pretend they are not there at all. Your father can't be in there because he is a witness as well, but I WILL BE. I will be right there in front you in the public seating. You just keep your eyes on me sweetheart, you just watch my face – I know you can read me Emily Lightman, so you just go ahead and do that. You will see the pride I have in you for being so brave and strong while you are on that stand OK_"

"_I love you Gill"_

"_And I love you too Emily, so much_"

A Man appeared from the court door.

"_Emily Lightman please_"

Giving her one last huge hug Gill let her go to her father.

"_You'll be fine daughter of mine. You can do this, so just get in there and get it done yeah_"

"_Yeah dad, I will_"

"_Good girl_" he kissed her on the top of her head and then stood back allowing the court usher to guide her inside.

"_Cal_?" Gill stepped forward to him.

"_Christ Gill! Why her? Why my Emily_?"

His tears started and she was right there to wipe them away.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hope this isn't too slushy....enjoy and thanx for all kind reveiws**

_Disclaimer as Norm_

**Progress**

Gill had gone home with Cal and Emily.

For the first hour or more she sat with Em in her bedroom as she went through the experience of her testifying that day.

It hadn't actually been as hard as she had imagined she had told Gill, the defence attorney had been very gentle with her apparently which had been one of the things she had been most concerned about.

Gillian half suspected that maybe Zoe knew the lawyer concerned and had had a 'quiet' word in his ear regarding the treatment of her daughter.

Eventually, when Emily said she was fine to be left alone, Gill made her way back downstairs.

Cal had obviously needed time to be alone and collect himself, so her time with Emily had been useful for both of them.

As she reached the bottom of the stairs she just poked her head round the corner – Cal was snoozing on the couch. The day had really taken its toll on him emotionally and it was his turn on the stand tomorrow.

She sat quietly on the chair opposite and studied him.

It had been hard today keeping it from him, she knew she had slipped up a couple of times but luckily enough he had been so preoccupied that he hadn't spotted it. She would have to be more careful.

Her mind drifted back to Zoes phone call earlier that day.

Of course she had been told all about Zoe, Cal's slightly embittered ex wife that still popped up quite often to plague him. Someone, she couldn't quite remember who, it may even have been Emily, had even shown her a photo, just to see if it would jog her memory. It hadn't.

But today, her voice on the phone, the sarcasm, the bitterness, the not so subtle accusations – everything just came flooding back into her head like an avalanche assaulting her brain.

Instead of having time to assimilate it, work through it, she had had to rush off to the court.

This was the first quiet time she had got since her memory had returned in such a violent manor.

She could deal with the fear she remembered feeling during the attack, but the fact that Hazel had protected her – given her life for her – she did not know if she would ever get over that.

She remembered the woman's words whispered into Gills ear even as the knifes were violating her body.

"_I love Cal - but he loves you. He deserves to keep what he loves so much. Just love him back Gill, do that for me please, give him all your love….and mine_"

In reality she had given up her life for Cal, not her.

In fact Gill had starting doing just that during her memory loss.

Was it so strange that she had been so drawn to Cal and Emily when everything else about her life had been a big black hole? Probably not! Nothing else gave her so much happiness and security – and pain.

Gill had decided as soon as she saw the stress both Cal and Emily were in when she got to the court that she was going to try and keep this a secret until the trial had finished.

Neither of them needed any extra problems to deal with right now, she just hoped the duration of the case would be short.

"_Allo luv, you were so deep in thought there that he didn't even notice I'd woken up. Looked serious whatever it was, do you wanna talk about it_?"

"_No! – God no Cal, it was nothing – really. Emily's fine, we had a long chat and she's feeling really good about how in went in there today. I know the lawyers said that you shouldn't talk to her about the case in any way until after you have testified, but I don't think it will hurt if you just pop in and say goodnight to her_"

Cal was staring at her. Surely she couldn't have given herself away so quickly….

"_I was just a bit worried about you luv. It must have been quite hard for you today, dealing with everyone else's problems when you still have a big one yourself. How are you dealing with it all_?"

"_Oh, fine – really, it helps really – having something to do, someone to help. It makes me feel …less…helpless really_"

"_Good. Well I'm gonna make a last drink and then hit the sack, after I've kissed my brave daughter goodnight of course_"

Gill stood and moved off to the kitchen.

"_I'll get the drinks started and you go give your daughter a big hug_"

She heard him take the stairs two at a time.

**xXx**

Just after she had finished pouring the boiling water from the kettle she felt warm arms slide round her waist from behind.

"_You've been bloody marvellous today luv, really I don't know I could have got through it without you."_

"_Glad to have been of help, do you want to take your drink through_"

They had both nearly finished when Cal spoke, his voice was low and a little desperate sounding.

"_Stay with me tonight Gill. Don't go off into that spare room again – please_"

She looked up into his eyes, she saw the same dash of desperation that she had heard in his voice.

"_Of course I will. Come on, let's go up_"

Their lovemaking that night was so different to the other times.

This time when he kissed her, ran his hands over her body, flicked his tongue over her nipples, she not only felt the immense pleasure that always came from his attentions, but she felt all the years of longing and fantasies being fulfilled as well.

When he entered her and began thrusting she thought she must surely be having the most erotic dream she had ever had, it was only the exquisite pain when he nipped at her neck that made her believe this was all for real.

No matter what happened from here on in, Gill knew she could never give this up now.

**xXx  
**

Once again she found herself sitting on the chairs outside the courtroom. Emily had gone to get them coffee.

"_You seemed very passionate last night_" he grinned at her.

"_Are you complaining_?"

"_No, never – just wondering if there was a reason for it that's all_"

"_Well I think you should e concentrating on what is ahead of you in that room rather than what we got up to last night! And I'm warning you know Cal Lightman, I am going to be in there, with Emily – so don't you dare go trying anything stupid when you set eyes on those boys. Just do what you need to and let the law and justice do the rest_"

His mood abruptly changed.

"_There is no justice the law can hand out for what they did_"

"_Cal – please! You have to learn to move on when they are convicted. Remember, Hazel would have wanted you to, and Emily can't unless you do to_"

"_Why are you so bloody smart Foster? ……Are you gonna stay around and help me_?"

"_Where else would I go_?"

"_Dr. Cal Lightman please_"

Emily had just got back.

"_Guess these will have to wait. Well get in there and do it dad_"

He flashed her one of his wicked grins

"_Oh I intend to luv…Just watch me_"


	16. Chapter 16

**Many thanks for all your reveiws and comments - every one means a great deal to me - very angsty this chapter but I think it needs to be - more the storm before the calm I guess**

_Disclaimer as Norm…_

**Lightman's Justice**

Cal did not take his eyes from the boys in the dock, not for one second longer than he had to, when either of the lawyers demanded that he look them in the eye, then his stare would go straight back to the faces of the accused.

His eyes were cold rocks being thrown at them, one hundred bullets or more crashing into their bodies. His eyes were the knifes that they so callously used to take the life of a wonderful, innocent woman – and now they were digging and twisting into their very souls! – No…not one of them would ever spend another day- or night of their lives without the constant accompaniment of Dr. Cal Lightman's eyes with them.

He knew exactly what he was doing - and he knew it was working!

It was the one punishment he could use against them that the law could not stop him from inflicting.

Because Dan had known him, he seemed particularly more affected.

Tears had not stopped running down his face from the moment Cal had entered the room, but all the others were damn close as well.

Cal saw their fear, the sheer terror he was imprinting on their minds. He knew they all understood what he was saying to them –

_**One day – I'll get you! You will never know where..or when…but I WILL GET YOU!**_

_**xXx**_

"_He's scaring me Gill, I've never seen dad look so…cold_"

Foster squeezed her hand. "_Just hope that you will never have to again sweetheart_"

Emily didn't seem to notice but Gills hand were freezing. What if she were to get that same look when she told him the truth about her regained memory.

"_Right, that's us done Em_" his comment was to his daughter but his face included Gill as well.

"_Wot say we go get ourselves a great big pizza and drinks, I think we deserve that much at least_"

Emily immediately started running off the names of the nearest pizza joints and possible toppings. She was slightly ahead of them so Gill spoke with a lowered voice.

"_You said that like you have no intention of ever coming back here_"

"_I don't_"

"_What about the sentencing, do you not want to be here for that_?"

"_No. I'm not interested in what the law hands out to them, I've passed my sentence already_"

Gill remained silent, she too had seen the warning in his eyes.

**xXx**

"_I don't think Em believed hers own ears when you agreed to go shopping with her after the pizza Cal_, _and – remind me again – did you actually say no to anything she wanted to buy_?"

They were both curled up comfortably on his couch together with a brandy for her and a whisky for him on the tale in front of them.

"_She deserved it, all of it. It's the first time I've seen her looking happy and behaving normally since this whole bloody mess started_"

Gill reached out and ran a finger down his cheek.

"_And what about you Cal? What kind of retail therapy would make you feel happy again_?"

"_I'm fine now luv, well I will be soon, As long as Em's happy and you're happy – then I'm happy_"

He took another sip from his glass and let his head fall back against the couch, his eyes closing.

Gill felt like shit.

How could she possibly feel happy when she had this huge burden of guilt sitting on her.

She knew as far as Cal was concerned the trial was over, but her trial had yet to come.

It had to be sooner rather than later as well.

"_Wots up Gill_?"

"_Sorry_?"

"_Cum on – I know I've got my eyes close and two glasses of whisky inside me, but I can still feel when your whole body suddenly tenses up – which it just did – What just came into that mind of yours that freaked you out? Did you have another flashback or sumthing_?"

With a deep sigh she pulled herself away from the warmth and comfort of his body and sat up.

She had no choice now! Without knowing it Cal had just opened the door – and she knew she had to walk through it.

"_I…I have to tell you something Cal, and it's not easy…I think..I feel that you might end up hating me for it_"

Cal became instantly alert. He too assumed an up right sitting position and he looked at Gill through slightly narrowed eyes.

"_I don't believe you just said that! How on earth could I possibly – EVER – hate you. I don't care what you've done, or think you've done that could be that bad…Gill, luv..you have to _know I _could never hate you_"

He could see the tears start to well up in her eyes and there was pain, fear and guilt all clashing for top position on her face.

"_Oi, stop that right now Foster! Don't start going to a place that you think I'm gonna put you in when you have no clue that I will. Cum on girl – out with it – get it over with and then we can get back to our drinks and that crappy dvd you bought earlier_"

His attempt to lighten the atmosphere was a complete failure, now he was starting to get a tad worried. She was still fighting internally with whatever demon she had tucked away.

"_Foster! Out with it – NOW, cos my patience is startin to get a bit thin_"

"_When I came to the court – that first day – after the phone call from Zoe_…"

She stopped again. This time he didn't say anything he just reached out and took one of her hands in his.

"_It was something about her voice Cal, I don't know..the venom, the bitterness mixed with sadness and just a little regret. She always did do that you know, use sarcasm to hide the regret_"

"_WOT_?"

"_I said_…"

"_Yeah – I did hear it thanks. It wasn't what you said Gill..more the inference behind it that I'm questioning_"

She pulled her hand away from him as soon as he heard the harshness creep into his voice. What more could she say, he'd worked it out from that one sentence.

"_How long? Is it just from that phone call – is everything back_?"

"_Yes…and yes_"

Cal threw the rest of the contents of his glass down his throat in one shot. He then stood and went to the kitchen for a refill. He brought the whole bottle back with him.

"_Why_?"

"_When I saw you both, your were under such stress and needed all your concentration for what was coming..I just didn't think it was the right time…I didn't think it would help you…"_

_"Oh how VERY thoughtful of you_!"

"_Cal – please – try and understand – My own head was all over the place as well..my whole life history had just come crashing back into it at once – I was a mess both psychologically and emotionally, but I knew I had to hold it together for Emily- she needed someone calm and rational, so I just pushed everything else to one side and concentrated on that"_

_"And later Gill, That evening..that night!...Oh - of course…that explains that 'deep in thought' moment I caught you having. You could have told me then Gill – it was the perfect opportunity for you to do so, but no! you brushed it off as nothing. What was that all about? Thought you'd see how long you could fool me as a little 'experiment' did you? Maybe have a little fun at my expense – Well you certainly had yer bit of 'fun' that night didn't you Foster_"

Gill was dumbstruck. She had expected anger certainly – a lecture about trust as well – but this! She had no idea had to respond to this.

"_I think it might be best if we both had some time apart to think about all this Foster. Now your memory's back there's no need for you to be stayin here anymore. I'm going out for a walk, get some fresh air. I would prefer it if you weren't here when I got back_"

With that he was gone.

Gills tears fell freely and abundantly, he had gone out of his house, and for all she knew – out of her life.


	17. Chapter 17

**I am so glad that you all seem to be enjoying this story a bit more now, I think some were a bit unsure of it.....anyway in response to the many requests for a quick update because of Dear Cals actions at the end of the last chapter...here we go**

_Disclaimer as Norm_

**Another Lightman Screwup**

Although it was quite a cold evening Cal didn't feel it.

He was trying desperately to work out what had made him act the way he just had.

Fear, he knew played a large part in it.

Fear that now she had regained her memory and actually got around to analysing what had happened over the last few weeks, she would walk away from him.

The line would not only be back, it would probably become a wall!

A small part of him had secretly been wishing that Gill never regained her memory – selfish he knew – but in his fantasy they would continue with this new found relationship and it would only get better and..who knows…marriage….

He knew it was a crazy dream, but it was one that had just been smashed.

But what about last night? Why had she let him make love to her if her memory had returned?

All sorts of reasons could explain that:

She was confused.

She did it out of sympathy.

She wasn't sure how to say no to him.

Whatever the reason he was fairly sure that he would never have her in his bed again.

He had lost something so beautiful, and in a perverse way he had lashed at Gill because she had taken it away from him, because she had remembered.

Then of course he knew that at some point she would be angry with him.

The fact that he had used her condition to finally push past her line – oh yes she was gonna get real angry with him.

So he had hit out first, his standard knee jerk reaction, attack is the best form of defence right!

How was he gonna break all this to Emily?

Shit he had made such a fucking mess of everything a usual.

If he had just kept it in his pants!

Gill would have no cause to be angry with him, and none of this evening would have happened.

He had his memories though, memories of the few beautiful nights he had spent with the woman he loved in his arms – falling asleep with her – waking up with her still curled around him.

How long had he been out? Had she left yet?

He wondered if she would be in work the next day, with a slight ironic smirk he thought he would be able to tell from the layer of frost that would cover the windows of her office.

He changed direction and started back to the house.

Whatever was done was done. He couldn't change it now.

As he approached he noticed that all the lights were out, shaking his head he almost laughed. Even with everything that had happened, that he had virtually thrown her out! She had still taken the time to turn the lights out for him.

He threw his coat into the bottom of the hall cupboard instead of hanging it up. His bottle of whisky was calling him – turning the light on he saw that she had tidied up!

The glasses had been washed and put away, the bottle was gone, obviously back in its correct storage cupboard, damn it she had even fluffed up the cushions on the couch – but her coat was gone, her bag was missing from the floor at the side of the couch, just her perfume lingered to taunt him.

He decided to give the comfort and oblivion of the scotch a miss.

Tomorrow he would need a clear head to deal with the fallout that he knew was coming, he turned out the light and made his way to his bedroom.

Turning the light on he was a bit stunned to find that as well as removing all her belongings, the bed had been changed and the whole room in general had been tidied.

Going thru to the en suite the same attention to detail had been applied.

Something made him look in the dirty linen basket.

Sure enough there was his shirt that she had worn a day or so back.

He bent and fished it out, holding it to his face he could still smell her on the material. Walking back through to the bedroom he placed it on the fresh pillow case.

After a quick shower he slid under the sheets immediately feeling the emptiness of the side Gill had slept on. He placed his head on the shirt and closed his eyes, doubting that sleep would come, but needing the release from reality it would give him.

"_Are you ready to talk now?"_

Her gentle voice drifted over him, opening his eyes he could just about make out her silhouette in the doorway.

"_Gill_?"

She came and sat on the bed next to him. Fingering the shirt that he had draped over the pillow she smiled. "_I could have sworn I put this in the washing basket_"

Blinking he could only stare for a few moments, even then his words – when they came weren't exactly those of a scientific genius, "_Yeah, well..I just…well_.."

"_Shall I put it back in? wouldn't you prefer the real thing to tempt your aroma senses_?"

Pulling the shirt from under his head she just dropped it on the floor.

"_I don't get this Gill, why are you still here? After everything I said_…"

"_To use one of you own favourite words Cal, Yes, you were a complete prick! But in some strange way I understand it, and I am not going to let a childish tantrum throw us right back to where we were before this all started."_

"_So_?"

"_So – I thought I'd stick around for a bit, despite your polite request for me to leave_"

"_But all your things..where are they_?"

"_Stashed away in the spare room – yes I wanted you to think I'd left – I couldn't let you off the hook completely could I_"

Cal sat up and rested his hand on her thigh.

"_When you say that you might 'stick around' did you have any particular place in mind_?"

"_Well it looks like there is an empty spot right there beside you_…"

He pulled her over him and slid her down under the covers next to him.

"_I can't believe you're here, I really believed I'd completely screwed up this time_"

"_You did Cal – but I'm used to it now. There are things we need to talk about though, this – us- it's not going to easy by any means, and there are things I need to tell you, about ..well the attack, and_…"

"_Tomorrow Gill, lets leave the talk till tomorrow_"

She settled into the now familiar cocoon of his arms.

She had no idea what had made her stay, every fibre of her wanted to storm out, never speak to him again after he had slammed the door earlier, but someone had to break the cycle of this game they had played for so long now, and she had to honour Hazels last request.

Tomorrow they would talk. Tonight she would just enjoy still being in his arms again.


	18. Chapter 18

**Ok...Very angsty this update - I warn you up front! But my other story is in a fluffy fun section so, for the sake of balance this one has to be angst....bear with me - please...**

_Disclaimer as norm…  
_

**Bursting The Bubble**

They had been awake since 5am.

There was an uneasy silence in the kitchen as they both stared into their coffee cups.

"_How are we going to handle this at work Cal_?"

"_This..wot_?"

"_Us! Our..relationship. How do you want to deal with it?"  
_

Cal got up and re-filled his cup, Gill noticed that he didn't offer her any.

"_Gill – we've been living in a sort of 'bubble' since all this started haven't we really_"

"_Bubble? I don't understand…what bubble? What are you trying to say_?"

"_That this…us…the whole thing…it's not really real is it. As much as I have loved- and will cherish every minute of it - it doesn't belong out there!...not in the real world, and that's what we have to go back to now isn't it? the company, the cases, reality_"

He hadn't looked at her the whole time, he wouldn't let her see his eyes so that she could try and fathom what he was actually trying to say to her.

She got up and walked over to where he was still hovering by the coffee pot.

"_Look at me Cal_!" no reaction. "_Come on..the one thing I know you aren't is a coward – so I want you to look at me and tell me exactly what it is you are trying to do here_"

When he finally met her eyes his face was a wall, his eyes were so shut off that they might just as well been made of glass.

"_I'm saying it's been fun – no not fun..amazing, beautiful, a fantasy come true, …but it's over now. We both have to step back to our respective places on our own sides of the line….surely you can see that_?"

"_I see that I as wrong just now_" she received a mere raise of an eyebrow "_You are a coward! It's not reality that's making you do this Cal, it's fear…your own stupid fear. Ayou try and use 'logic' and 'reality' and 'work' as excuses, the only thing that is going to stop us from being together is your own demons, so lets just skip the crap and actually try for the truth shall we"_

He slammed his mugs much as down on the side sending spurts of coffee across the room and making Gill step back a few paces.

"_Yeah! – alright I'm scared …and so should you be!...Don't you see I am trying to protect you for gods sake_…"

"_PROTECT ME_!"

"_YES!...Anyone I ever get close to…and stay close to gets hurt Gill – or KILLED- Look at Hazel_."

Gill tried to put a hand on his shoulder, tried her best reassuring, calming smile and gentle voice, "_Cal, Hazel was…well it was very sad but hardly your fault…it was a _…"

He shrugged off her hand and walked away, increasing the distance between them.

"_A wot? – a 'one off'.. is that what you were going to say? Cause if it is, you'd be wrong Foster. There's so much you don't know, Hazel…Hazel wasn't the only woman I've allowed to get close that has ended up_…."

He didn't need to add the last word.

Gillian's head started to spin. What was he saying….Who…When …

He saw all the questions running through her head.

"_I'm not gonna go into it Gill, but trust me – wot I've said is true, and despite not being the biggest believer in old adages, I've had to learn to accept this one – the past repeats itself_ ."

This time he came to her.

Wrapping his arms round her and squeezing her so tightly she could barely breath, he spoke into her ear, softly.

"_I DO love you Gillian Foster, and I know you love me, but it's precisely for that reason we have to end this. I cannot take the chance of any more harm coming to you. I'd rather lose you this way, than lose you completely_"

She could feel his breath coming hard and heavy, that he was fighting with everything he had to keep control of himself.

She wanted to say something smart, some of that psycho babble that he hated so much, that would nevertheless help him to ease the pain he was in.

There was nothing though.

No light bulb flash of inspiration, no insightful words of wisdom that she could come up with. So they both stood there, hanging on to each other, both in their own personal moments of despair.

**xXx**

Gillian had eventually left Cal's arms and the kitchen, now she sat in the spare room pulling together the last of her things that she had previously packed.

She allowed herself a small bout of tears knowing that later, in the privacy of her own home again, there would be more – a lot more.

By the time she had rung for a cab and brought her bags down to the front door she found only a note attached to the wall just by the side of the exit

'_**See you at work'**_

She heard the beep of the waiting car outside, sighing she ripped off the note and stuffed in her pocket, grabbing her bags she went out.

No-one really said much when she got into work half an hour late, after all, they didn't even know she had regained her memory yet.

Heading straight to the sanctuary of her office she immediately set about sending a company wide email advising the staff of her recovery and thanking them all for their help and patience.

Ria was the first. Not bothering to knock she came bursting through the door and grabbed Gill in an excited hug.

"_You're back….really back? I mean all of it, everything_?"

"_Yes, Ria please – put me down- I am completely myself again, and I am going to need your help to catch upon my work if you can spare me some time_?"

Ria pulled back and looked at her with a puzzled expression.

"_Well of course Dr. Foster, anything I can do, you know that – but I kinda thought that you would be doing all that sort of thing with Dr. Lightman_"

"_Dr. Lightman..Cal…has a lot of catching up of his own to do you know. He's spent a lot of his time recently looking after me and Emily…and the time at court as well…I'd like to get back up to speed without having to bother him too much ok_"

Torres could tell immediately that here was a lot more to this than that simple explanation, but she chose to leave it – for now…

"_Well, just let me know when you need me.."_

"_Actually I was hoping you might be up for an evening or two round my place, we could do a few girly things and work at the same time"_

_"I didn't realise you'd gone back to your own place..but yeah.. That sounds cool…we'll sort that out"_

_"Thanks Ria_"

It was a thank you and a dismissal at the same time, so Ria backed out of the office.

**xXx**

"_So_" Eli turned to her as she re entered the lab, "_How is she_?"

"There is something sooo not right going on with her Loker"

"_Hey, cum on, give the woman a break Torres – look at everything she has been through lately – and now she just got all that back in one hit – she's bound to be feeling a bit.. well 'goofy' for a while_"

"_No! it's more than that. You didn't see her Eli, hear her….She is in a whole lotta pain, and I'm not talking physical. It's tied up with Lightman somehow, I know it"_

_"Yeah well, apart from Alec and Sophie everytime Foster ends up in that kind of emotional pain, Lightman is involved in it somewhere"_

_"Why is he such a PRICK when it comes to her_?"

"_Leave it alone Torres, you are never gonna sort out those two – trust me – others have tried..and failed over the years…Stay away, stay safe_"

Ria turned away from him and started back on the file she was working on at her pc.

She knew Loker made sense – but when has she ever listened to sense!

**xXx**

"_Yeah, I know it's sudden Em, but Gill needs her space now, she's just got back to her own self luv. She's been cooped up with us for ages now, and she must have a lot she needs to do right now, so why don't we just let her have that time ok_"

Emily was not happy about this recent turn of events. She had gotton very used to Gillian staying with them, it was fun, and comfortable, it didn't make sense that she would just get up in the morning and leave!

Why hadn't she waited till the evening so that she and her dad could help her move? ..No – there was more to this than her dad was letting on!

Emily had a new mission – she was gonna find out exactly what her dad had done this time to upset Gillian.

Cal looked at his cell, he knew Emily wasn't buying it and that it wasn't the last she would have to say on the subject!

He yet again tried to force his brain to concentrate on the files in front of him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Hi All....Stil some serious angst going on here ..... Thanks for your comments and reveiws deeply apreciated and loved.....**

_Disclaimer as Norm…_

**Good Girl No Longer**

Cal spent most of his time closeted away in his office.

He got through a vast amount of paperwork that he had been hiding in his bin for months, even his billing hours and expenses were up to date!

The rest of his time he spent going over – and over- and over the last conversation he had with Foster.

Was he indeed, as she had insisted, a coward?

He was so certain that he had made his decisions based on her safety – He didn't want her to get hurt….Maybe all the time it was his safety- his fear of getting hurt that had made him re-draw the line (His line now, not hers)

He'd thought about his usual 'get outs'

Go on a 48 hr 'bender' – pick up some nice 'poppy' like female, shag her and leave her – no commitments, no problems, no conscience…That normally had a soothing effect on him.

On this occasion however, he just couldn't bring himself to go there.

Find a nice new case that involved the possibility of getting his brains blown out – but there was nothing to be had at the moment.

Sneak back into Vegas and 'harpoon some whales' – see how long it took them to catch on and throw him out again….this was the strongest possibility so far…..

He finally packed up his stuff and started to make is way home. The whisky bottle and couch oblivion would suffice until he could settle on a better plan.

**xXx  
**

Gillian was staring at the ceiling from her bed.

She had just looked at the clock again and it had shown 3am, oh course it had to be 'that' particular time when she looked at it didn't it!

Now all she could think about were the opening words of an old Streisand song that she loved:

"_**It's three in the morning,**_

_**You're nowhere in sight,**_

_**And all that I wanted was to be with you tonight.**_

_**I've watched love get closer,**_

_**And then fade away,**_

_**I've seen you believe in me, I've seen you try to stay"**_

She pulled a pillow round her head like somehow it would shut of the lyrics that kept repeating and repeating.

What was it going to take to get through to this stupid, irrational, stubborn – wonderful man!

Gill had no doubt he was at home either still getting, or having got, extremely drunk.

She also had no doubt that at some point he would attempt to go off and do something really stupid – like trying to go gambling in Vegas!

Normally, everything in her would have retreated into a small tight shell after what he had said to her, but this time…..No this time Cal Lightman was not going to get off so easily.

She had given upon her marriage without a fight – she had given back Sophie without so much as an angry scream.

Now, she was sick of being Gillian 'play by the rules and be a good girl' Foster, she wanted Cal, and he needed her.

The memories of their lovemaking, the closeness they had when they would eventually, exhausted, fall asleep in each others arms, the sight of him grinning at her when she woke the next morning….she was determined she was not going to give up that without a fight – an out and out battle if it came to that!

As soon as it came to her she was wide awake. It took her less than 20minutes to dress, apply some 'war paint' to her face, get in the car and head towards the battle ground.

**xXx  
**

Cal was on his couch and he was extremely irritated.

He had not realised that he only had a half bottle of whisky left in the house, that had gone very quickly and all it had done was left him very irritable, the drunk oblivion he had been looking forward to was a long way off….

Making his way to the kitchen he again made a quick check of the cupboards just in case…A slight noise caught his attention.

Keeping dead still he tuned in his ear – it was the front door, but it was being opened by a key!....Thinking Emily had had yet another fight with her mother (although it was a little on the late side for that) he switched the kettle on and got the biscuit barrel out.

Turning back to the doorway expecting to see the tearstained face of his daughter, his eyes opened in shock when he saw Gillian standing there instead.

"T_he kettle Cal! Have you taken to adding hot water to your whisky now?"_

"_What the fuck are you doing here Foster_?"

"_Just something I felt I needed to do_"

She walked very calmly over to him and let her hand trail softly down his cheek.

"_You came all the way over here at..nearly 4 am to do that_!"

"_Oh No Cal_" ..Thwack……

The soft hand had just become a frightenly hard projectile weapon.

As he turned his face back to her, she had a perfectly controlled smile firmly in place.

"_THAT – is what I needed to do – Goodnight – well morning- Cal…see you at work_"

**xXx  
**

Cal was stalking the corridors at work the next day, sick of sitting in his office and too confused by the events of earlier that morning.

She had gone mad – he was certain of it!

OK, so her memory had come back, but somehow it had just 'twisted' slightly in the process

Gone was the confused, hurt Foster – Today she was dressed in her favourite pink dress and appeared to be positively glowing!

A veritable little whirlwind of activity, she could be seen trotting around all over the offices, chatting to some employee or another, giving help and advice whenever requested.

Whenever their paths happened to cross she would semi acknowledge him with a slight had tilt or a brief 'hi'- a far cry from the near 'flirting' she was engaging in with some of the other male staff members!

Hearing her distinctive giggle he rounded a corner just in time to see her place her hand on the chest of a lab member, her head tilted to one side and just a hint of a hair flick as she said thanks and took the coffee he had obviously just made for her.

"_Oi Foster_" She turned halfway towards him and raised an eyebrow, the 'lab man' took one look at Lightman's face and scuttled off back to the safety of his computer.

Stalking up to her and entering her 'private space' he let contempt flow into his face and voice.

"_Haven't you got anything better to do than stand around flirting with one of Lokers little nerds_?"

"_Flirting Cal – I wasn't aware that I was 'flirting' – as far as I am concerned I was being an approachable, friendly, human employer – I think our staff deserve at least one of the partners to be that for them_!"

"_What kind of a game do you think you are playing? What do you hope to achieve by all this_?"

"_That's a nasty looking bruise on the side of your face, you really ought to get some ice on that you know_"

Slipping round the side of him she sashayed off down the corridor back to her office.

If the wall had been made of something other than glass Cal knew he would have put his fist right through it.

Instead, he retreated back to his own office.

After a couple of hours arguing with his inner self – yet again- Cal decided to take a walk to the shops, at least he could make sure of his alcohol consumption tonight!

He stood up just as Foster walked in, without knocking, and placed a file on his desk.

"_Wot's that_?"

"_You might need it over the next few days. I need to travel for a case I've just accepted. I've just briefed Loker and Torres, they will be taking on most of my outstanding cases while I'm gone – but I assume you will be around to help them if they need it_?"

"_Nice of you to confer with the 'SENIOR' partner in the firm before arranging all this! Where are you going? And what for?"_

_"It's all in that file Cal, but briefly – I'm going to Afghanistan – They want me to talk to a number of women in one of the prisons_"

"_Wot! – Nah, no way Foster you are NOT going out there – they have enuf perfectly good, trained agents they can use for that sort of thing, there's…"_

_"Who obviously haven't been able to get the information they want from these women! They have asked me to go…And I have accepted – you can't stand there and order me around like some …parent refusing to let their daughter go on her first all night party! Who the hell do you think you are_?"

"_Fine! Terrific! – Ok we've got the case, I'll contact whoever is in charge and let them know that I will be coming with you"_

_"Please yourself. But you won't be allowed in to the prison with me_….."

She left as abruptly as she had entered.


	20. Chapter 20

**Ohh it's all getting a bit scary.....I won't kill them tho - promise????**

_Disclaimer as Norm_

**The Memory and the Cave**

The whole journey was made in virtual silence, well between Gillian and Cal anyway.

Gill immersed herself in the various files and spoke at length with her liaison agent.

Cal on the whole sat and glared.

When they arrived at the Army campsite that would be their base whilst Gill was working the case, her liaison, Simon, took them both to the entrance of one large tent.

"_Oh no, Simon –this isn't right! I was assured I would have a place of my own..you can't expect me to share with_…"

"_I'm sorry but 's joining us was so last minute… we simply don't have the space…It's quite a good size in there, I'm sure you won't be tripping over each other – most of the days you will be out at the prison anyway…I'll pick you up in the morning at 6am, get a good nights sleep_"

Cal had already gone inside and when she joined him he was busy unpacking.

"_So what do you intend to do while I work at the prison during the day Cal?"_

_"Help…Wherever I can..if you'll let me_"

She sat on the camp bed. It had been a long journey and she was tired – too tired to argue and engage in a game of sarcastic ping pong.

"_Yes of course, I would appreciate any input you have. I'll be wired up for video and audio so you can keep track"_

_"It's your case luv, I'm not gonna try and take over or run it for you but…well we've always worked well.. as a team haven't we?"_

_"After all these years it would be sad to think we couldn't_"

"_Right then – sorted. That bloke is right, try and get some sleep. I'm not tryin to sound like a nasty little know it all, but inside those prisons….not nice luv you need to be prepared for that_"

"_Thanks Cal, night_"

**xXx**

As she was escorted through the squalor to the room they had set aside for her inside the prison, she tried to blank out the images from her mind – but there were children in here – young children and even babies! All living in total misery.

Once inside the room she asked for a few moments alone before they brought in the first woman they wanted her to talk to.

As the guard shut the door she took some deep breaths.

"_Cal – can you hear me? I think I made a mistake..I don't think I can do this- come to this place everyday_…"

His voice flowed into her ear, strong and familiar.

"_You can luv. It won't be easy, but you are strong enough to do what has to do be done, that's what you need to concentrate on Gill, the job – just get the job done ok"_

_"Yes, ok…The job_"

The door opened and the first suspect was brought in.

**xXx**

It had been three days and Gill had already got a lot of the information they had been looking for, but she was physically and emotionally wiped out.

"_Is there anything I can do for you luv?"_

_"Take me home!...God I need a day long soak in a bubble bath, and then I need a whole chocolate cake all to myself and…"_

_"Gill?"_

_"How can I be thinking about that when all those woman and children have nothing- less than nothing! How selfish am I?"_

"_Don't Gill, don't go there, you'll just tear yourself apart – I did the first time I came back from a war zone and it's not worth it Gill. You have to learn to let go if you are thinking of taking on these sorts of cases on a regular basis_"

He gave her a classic grin at the end of his short but hopefully successful speech.

Gill fell asleep instantly that night but Cal was lost in his own memories.

Ireland. He was young then but had been thrown in at the deep end.

There was a really pretty girl, a few years younger than him that kept tea, coffee and biscuits supplied throughout the day and doubled up as a cleaner in the late evenings.

One of those evenings Cal was still working. They had started chatting.

Over the next few weeks and months they had gotten closer, inevitably she had ended up in his bed, but he knew he was falling in love with her.

One morning he walked into the command centre and after about two hours realised that he hadn't seen her.

No coffee with that secretive little smile and extra biscuit.

They had deliberately kept their relationship quiet as fraternisation with the 'locals' was frowned on.

After another hour he began to get worried, she had seemed fine when she had left him earlier – a lot earlier that morning, so he knew she wasn't sick or anything.

When he could stand it any longer he turned to a colleague,

"_Whats all this with us having to get our own drinks today then?"_

_"Oh didn't you hear?"_

_"Hear what?"_

_"That girl, what was her name…colleen that's it…she got caught sneaking into her house in the early hours, someone accused her of 'sleeping with the enemy' so to speak – any way she was shot. Soldiers had to take her body down of that barbed wire fence a couple of roads down_"

He remembered how he had had to fight to keep his shock and pain under wraps. He couldn't mourn her until he got back to the privacy of his own room that night.

Apart from when his mum had died, it was the only time Cal remembered crying that much.

He had to wait two days before he could secretly approach her grave to say his goodbyes.

**xXx**

Fighting to push the thoughts back to their basement files in his brain, he tried to relax and sleep, that's when the first crashing of noise and light hit.

As quickly as she woke to the chaos she felt Cal's arms round her, dragging her out of the bed,

"_Get those clothes on Foster now! The camp has obviously been compromised and targeted – we have to get out - MOVE_"

As she pulled on the clothes she had dropped at the side of her bed just a few hours earlier he was shoving things in a back pack.

As soon as she was dressed he dragged her out.

Keeping one arm around her he pulled and guided her through the mass of soldiers who were scrambling for their guns and missile launchers.

He knew he had to get them away from the camp and headed for a rocky section higher up and dotted with trees and shrubs – and hopefully cover.

**xXx**

He had to half drag half pull her as they climbed up and over the rocks and through the foliage.

She was exhausted and had cuts on her hands and knees, but he couldn't afford to let her rest or even slow down. For her part she didn't complain – not once and fought with every fibre of strength she had to keep up with him.

Eventually he found what he had been looking for. Behind some rough bushes the entrance to a small but accessible cave.

Pulling her inside they both fell to the ground. He pulled her as close to him as he could and they both sat like that for nearly 30 minutes, the only break in the silence was cal's low voice telling her she was safe now.

A tiny electric lantern illuminated the back of the cave. Cal pulled out the small first aid kit he had packed and started cleaning and dressing Gills wounds.

"_We should be safe here for the rest of the night. Tomorrow- well lets see what the daylight brings before we make any decisions yeah"_

_"Cal – I'm so sorry – this is all my fault! I only took this case to…well "_

_"I know why you took it luv. And it was my decision to come along not yours, so lets put a stop to the blame game yeah. Cum here Gill_"

They lay on the floor of the cave, he held her as gently as he could and rubbed her back.

When he thought she had calmed down enough he took a deep breath.

"_Before the bombs hit, you were sleeping, but I was remembering something that happened a long time ago,and I want to tell you about it_"

He recited his earlier memory.

As she listened, she could hear the pain and self blame still so raw in his voice after all this time. She began to understand……..


	21. Chapter 21

**So...This chapter has been soooo hard to write...Not beacuse of it's content, or writers block or anything like that...No! because my dearest Hairy Hounds from Hell decided to 'Steal' my glasses from the coffee table whilst I took a nap on the couch, and I can't fing them anywhere!!!! I have a spare pair on but they have a slighty different strength and it make working on the pc quite hard......Goota love them...I NEED Cal to interrogate them and find my glasses.....**

_Disclaimer as Norm._

**The Accent Was Wrong.**

Gill was woken firstly by a gentle shake then a hand firmly across her mouth. His voice was barely a whisper and his lips brushed her earlobe as he spoke.

"_I can hear voices out there, still in the distance, too far to make out who, but I didn't want you to make any loud noises when you woke luv_"

She nodded acknowledgement of his warning. The hand slipped away.

"_Can you tell if they are locals or American_?"

"_Not yet – but- we need to be ready right_"

Delving into the bag he pulled out a semi automatic, he did a quick check on it's readiness to fire.

Once again into the bag and a smaller gun emerged, Gill felt the coldness of the metal hit her hand.

"_You know how to use this Gill…"_

_"Cal, I don't…"_

_"You do Gill, remember – back after we had just finished our first case that had got a bit…well, angsty! I gave you one then and showed you how to use it..you do know Gill_"

Again she used a slight head nod as acknowledgment.

As her mouth opened his fingertips pressed against them, in the distance – she strained and she could hear voices.

Her lips went to his ear, "_Cal they're not speaking American"_

His eyebrows rose slightly and she noticed his hand tighten slightly on the gun he held in it.

His breathing increased with his heartbeat and she could both see and feel every muscle in his body start to tighten

It was a deeply embedded, feral almost animalistic response to a life threat.

He had almost imperceptibly changed his position so that he was now more in front of her – 'protecting' her –

"_Cal, if this doesn't work out well for us, …I need to tell you something…"_

_"I know, and I love you too, completely despite everything I do to fuck us up – know that luv..and I know you love me too"_

_"Yes Cal , but I have to tell you…so did_…"

The voices interrupted her, they were so much closer and now it was clear that it wasn't English that was being spoken.

Cal started to edge to the front of the cave, his gun was readied in his hand – his hand raised – Gill reached out and grabbed his ankle, as he turned his head to and raised is eyebrows in query she held up her hand to stop.

Moving up next to him she listened a little more to the voices.

"_The accent is off, these men are not locals Cal- not even to this country! They are American – the mimic is good, but I can still hear the mistakes. They are Americans I'm certain"_

_"We need to be more than certain here_"

She suddenly heard a short whistle, so high pitched it was almost off the human audible range. Cal closed his eyes and listened - There it was! The same sound returned on the air.

"_Shit you were right! They are our boys" _He crawled out and stood up blinking against the harsh morning sun.

_"Dr. Lightman – Hi – you ok? Is Dr. Foster with you?"_

Gill then emerged to stand at his side.

The men approached_, "We were sent out to look for you, glad you made it"_

_"Yeah thanx, but the language got us a bit worried for a few moments there mate"_

"_Oh, sorry. Quite often when we are out scouting or on patrol, we use the opportunity to practice our accents and dialects, didn't think you could hear us..good job you knew that signal Dr. lightman, and that you could do it, not everyone can"_

_"Yeah , well it does take a bit of practice. How's the camp?"_

_"A mess, but we're working on it. you did the right thing getting out though. Bosses want you both out of harms way now though. If you wanna come with us a helo is coming in shortly to evac you both_."

Collecting their stuff from the interior of the cave they followed the soldiers.

**xXx**

Now, in the comfort of an FBI plane Cal was holding Gill lightly in his arms as she slept.

He had been quite shocked when he had gone back over the events of the last few days and fully realized just how strong and resilient Gillian Foster had been.

As much as he always had this image in his mind that she was something of a fragile doll that had to be protected at all times from the harshness and hostilities of life, he knew the image was pathetic really considering the kind of job he had dragged her into, and, over the years he had been the one to teach her his science on how to read all the lies and depravities in the human race. A paradox really!

She stirred and opened her eyes.

"_Bout time as well – I been dying to have a pee – well go on then, let me up_."

Smiling she sat up and watching him trot off down to the far end of the jet.

On his return she was still grinning,

"_You should have woken me_"

"_You looked too damn peaceful, I didn't have the heart luv"_

_"How much longer before we land?"_

_"Couple more hours, plenty of time to join the 'mile high club' if you're interested_" His hazel eyes sparkled with teasing anticipation.

"_I've never been one for joining clubs Cal – you know that"_

_"A man can but try! Back to the bloody reports then"_

_"I'm going to freshen up, I'll get us some coffee on the way back_"

Cal gulped own his coffee whilst Gill sipped at hers.

"_I'm so proud of you luv_" The statement was made with his head down, no eye contact, and was out was completely out of the blue.

"_Sorry? I don't understand you, why_? "

"_Nuffin, doesn't matter, just thinking aloud really_"

"_I've always been proud of you Cal. Even when you have done the most stupid things, and have irritated me to the point of wanting to throw you out of my life. When you go crashing in regardless of the consequences leaving me, normally to pick up the pieces – despite all of that, I have always been proud of you."_

He had raised his head and she could see the shock in his eyes.

"_I never knew that Gill"_

_"Cal, back in the cave.."_

_"Let's not think about that now luv. time enuf to dissect everything when we get back to the office, lets just forget about it for a while"_

_"No! I Can't. I was going to tell you something and it's important. I tried before but….well the timing was a bit wrong…When I was with Hazel, during the attack. She saved my life Cal by protecting me with her body_"

"_God you go from one happy subject to another don't you…I know what Hazel did luv. I hope you're not feeling guilty about it, she wouldn't have wanted you to…she was just …like that."_

_"There's no guilt. I just hope you are prepared to act on your own advise…She told me, before she..passed out…that she was saving me – because she loved you so much. She believed that you were in love with me and that you deserved to have what you loved! …I think..what I'm trying to say is…Do you really want that to go to waste? What she did took so much courage…don't you think you could put aside your fear..show the same courage and ….let me love you..let yourself love me without the doubts and walls and lines_?"

He stood and walked ignoring the plea in her watery eyes.


	22. Chapter 22

**So...Here it is...the last Chapter...Hope you all enjoy it and thanks for taking the ride....**

_Disclaimer as Norm..._

**A New Strategy**

Her voice hit him from behind.

"_That's the beauty of being on a small plane in mid flight Cal – you can't run away_!"

A small sardonic laugh emerged from him.

"_Is that why you to chose now to drop this little 'bombshell' on me_?"

_"I tried before, I told you…in the cave I tried_…."

"_Yeah well, I wouldn't exactly have had much of a choice in running away then either would I ?"_

_"Why? Why do you have to run away at all Cal? We should be able to talk about this_"

Gillian attempted to place a hand on his shoulder, get him to turn and face her…but he shifted out of the way.

"_Nuffin to talk about is there Foster. You've just reinforced what I was trying to tell you before….Women who get to close to me….they get hurt…they die_!"

Now he turned and faced her, the pain and guilt weighing heavily on his features.

"_Not all of them Cal…Zoes still very definitely alive and kicking… and …I'm still here…not hurt – not dead"_

_"You could have been….back there! And we both know that you only went there because of me_ ….."

"_And it was my choice Cal – mine!.. That girl, in Ireland – she also knew the risks she was taking in getting involved with you – and Hazel- she knew exactly what her choice was about! Cal- they all chose to do what they did – knowing the risks- they made the decisions, not you. They chose to do what they did because they loved you! Doesn't that tell you anything?"_

_"Yeah! It tells me that I need to stop women falling in love with me! It seems to be like some kind of disease, and the mortality rate is just too high"_

_"Love isn't a disease Cal – and it's not something people can just choose to do or not do! God knows I can vouch for that ….If you could have chosen, would you have fallen in love with me?"_

_"But I can choose to stop you loving me- or at least try everything I know to stop you"_

_"You have Cal – trust me you have! But I'm still here – and more in love with you than ever. So I think it's time you re-evaluated your strategy's don't you"_

His head was down, his hands shoved deep into his pockets and he was indulging in is usual foot shuffling.

"_Think you mean 'invent' one…Running away was my only strategy so…."_

_"You're a clever man Cal..a genius supposedly – work it out_"

With that she turned and went back to the seating area.

**xXx**

They spent the rest of the journey at opposite ends of the plane.

Once landed, Cal chose to ignore the waiting car, grabbing his stuff he muttered something about a cab and disappeared.

Knowing there was nothing more she could say or do at this time, Gill let him go without a word.

Within the hour she was back home.

The bath had called to her the loudest and she lost herself in its warm soapy depths for at least an hour.

The washing was finished and her report of the case had been started at least..Now she was curled up on her couch with a brandy and half a double chocolate cake on her lap.

Her life, was, at least on the surface, back to normal.

She was clean, she had her work, her chocolate, and a favourite movie running on the TV – but she knew it was as far from normal as it had ever been!

It was, in fact, in a complete state of flux – and it would continue that way until a certain doctor made up his mind what his next move would be.

**xXx**

In contrast, but not surprisingly, Cal had made straight for the whisky bottle,

Somewhat calmer now, he had stopped short of getting completely blasted.

Everything hurt…His body ached and his mind was in agony.

A New Strategy… a whole lot easier said than done when it came to the relationship side of his life, more particularly when it came to Gillian Foster!

Now of course he knew for certain that she loved him, he'd known forever that he loved her….It could be so easy!

Go to her, take her in his arms and into his life – try for the 'happy ever after' that other people seemed to be able to achieve so easily.

Cal Lightman didn't 'do' happy ever afters though, as much as he wanted to, happy ever afters just didn't seem to want to attach themselves to his life – so a new strategy still evaded him.

Grudgingly he left his whisky and made his way upstairs to wash off the dirt of the past few days.

A sudden image in his head made him smile, albeit ironically – he could see himself in the shower doing a hand stand…trying to get the clean soapy water to fall through his nostrils and wash out his brain, clean away all the festering waste that was clogging it up.

It was a strategy! but an unworkable one…handstands were way past his physical abilities …..

**xXx**

Gill heard the knock even though she had semi fallen asleep with half the chocolate pudding still on the plate in her hands.

Blinking to focus she looked at the wall clock – 3am! There was only one person it could be at this hour!

Opening the door Gill was fleetingly happy to see that he wasn't drunk.

His eyes begged entrance so she stood to one side and flashed him a quick smile.

He stood, hesitantly in the centre of the room.

"_Still haven't come up with that 'strategy' luv- thought maybe I needed some help – the handstand thing would never have worked – NO! don't ask…..it was just a ….well…best you don't ask…"_

_"I won't ask then. Sit Cal, I hate it when you hover like that"_

He obediently removed his jacket and fell into the couch.

"_I can see you've been having a few problems yourself luv"_

_"Sorry?"_

_"Half a piece of chocolate cake! Since when do you leave half a piece of chocolate cake_"

He looked at her with a sheepish grin.

Gill removed the plate and contents to the kitchen. She returned with a mug of coffee.

"_It's not that fresh I'm afraid..but then you like your coffee strong and …'muddy' don't you_"

Gill sat down and caught hold of his hand, he made no attempt to pull away.

"_So, apart from this …'handstand' issue – what have you been thinking about_?"

_"Bout you..us..I just feel so torn luv…I want us to be together, to be happy and have a fantastic life… but …I don't want to lose us..the way we are now, or at least the way we were. I don't want you hurt, and I definitely don't want you dead_!"

"_That is rubbish Cal, and you know it! – You picked up on an incident a long time ago that hurt you. Since then you have twisted it into an excuse to hide behind. It's time to come out of hiding Dr. Lightman. You don't need a strategy or idiotic fairytales to hide behind. I'm here Cal, right in front of you, but I can't do anymore. You just have to reach out ..and take the chance_"

So he did.

He crushed her in his arms and kissed her like it might never end, and she returned the passion with abandon.

"_Well….That was …an answer I think.. was it Cal? Have you really made your decision now? No running away when it gets a bit scary or intense"_

His grin said it all…"_Christ Foster – you'll be the death of me if I'm not careful_"

**The End**


End file.
